...wilt thou be mine?

goodbye

2011-03-06T22:13:00.000-05:00

I will no longer be updating this blog and will likely take it down sometime in the coming weeks.

Changes, changes, changes

2011-02-27T02:32:00.003-05:00

Since the end of last summer, much has changed. I haven't yet decided if I will continue this 'blog consistently, though now that I have lost my job, I have plenty of time. Whether I have the inspiration...I don't know.

My job ended on December 9, but I was sent home on Armistice Day, at half pay for the duration of my contract. Ostensibly this was because of funding, but I think a large part of it was the changed climate of my department, my ill adaptation to those changes, and my coping with an alcoholic husband, which made me appear unreliable. I am not sorry: the job got my appendectomy paid for, as well as F's diabetes diagnosis and treatment, paid for, plus I got Molly, Liza, and Lindsay, Cassie's successors.

Most importantly, the insurance I got at my job paid for F's alcoholism treatment; he completed a stay at Brighton Hospital in November and came home from a sober living house twelve days ago. I am and will forever be grateful to the folks at the Howell Alano Club and the Brighton recovery community.

Because I started this 'blog as a way to provide a source I wish I had had, I'll say it all. I come from a family with alcoholism all down both sides. Both my parents had alcoholic fathers. My mother's father had thirty years of sobriety when he passed away in 1992, but my father's father never really stopped drinking. Every time I stayed up into the wee hours, or was awakened by the thud of my husband's body falling unconscious to the floor, I worked to pick him up, to carry him to bed, to clean up after him, grimly certain of my place in a long line of women who had done so for the drunken.

When F checked in to Brighton, I asked him if he'd mentioned my grandfather's name for the frequent flier discount. My father, twenty years old and newly bereft of his mother in 1970, had driven his father to Brighton and checked him in when it seemed certain that his father would drink himself to death in his grief. At thirty-four, with my husband's parents in attendance, it was harrowing enough to sit in that big waiting room while F was tested and evaluated; I can't imagine what it must have been like for my father, with only his girlfriend, my mother, for support, to take his father there. As I type this, I weep for the boy my father was, for how he must have buried his own grief to care for his father.

Looking back on my parents' relationship, how my father cleaved to my mother and resented any separation, I think I understand why. A terrifying brain surgery in 1978 threatened to separate us all, but he survived to take his M.Ed from the University of Michigan in 1979, to a thunderous standing ovation.

But my father died young, like his mother. I miss him. I wish that I could speak with him about losing my job. He lost many jobs, even the day before he married my mother.

"What did you do?" I asked him when he told me, just a few months before he died.

"I got up, I married your mom, and we went on our honeymoon. I knew something would turn up," he said.

Mom and Dad saw us through the recession of the early 1980s. We didn't go to Disneyworld, but there was always enough to eat, and new bikes at Christmas, and trips up north to the cabin our parents had built atop the moraine marking the furthest extent of the glacier that carved Lake Huron.

So now, as I sip a beer bought with my unemployment check, I remember my father and how carefully he and my mother hid hard financial realities from us. I am grateful that my mother has found a wonderful, kind man with whom to share her life, but I still miss my Daddy.

Within the next few months, we will leave our little apartment in Michigan's premiere college town for a Victorian house in Wisconsin: harp, guitar, kitties, and all. All I have is what is within me: the certainty that there is no certainty.

Summer Tortellini

2010-07-26T20:14:00.003-04:00

If you receive a bounty of vegetables from a friend's garden, like I did on Sunday, try this recipe.

1 medium zucchini

1 medium yellow squash

1 bunch kale

1 cup cherry or grape tomatoes

1 pkg frozen cheese tortellini

fresh herbs to taste (I like thyme)

olive oil

salt, pepper, and cayenne pepper to taste

Heat about 2 tbsp olive oil in a skillet. Slice zucchini and squash and stir-fry for a couple of minutes.

While the squash cooks, cut the kale into ribbons and add it to the pan. Stir it well, reduce heat, and clap a lid on the pan for about five minutes. Remove from heat and keep warm.

Cook the tortellini according to package directions. Drain and add to the vegetables. Season to taste.

Cut tomatoes in halves or slices and toss with pasta and vegetables. Drizzle with more olive oil, if you like, and serve with iced tea.

Sweets, and keeping one's seams straight

2010-07-23T11:21:00.004-04:00

My friend and coworker, the Fabulous Babs, says, "There's something intrinsically, subtly sexy about looking back over your shoulder to check that your seams are straight." I agree.

I have slowly acquired a small collection of vintage nylon stockings, sheer as nothing available today is sheer. But for the seam running up my calf, one would never know I was wearing stockings. When I was a teenager, I asked my mother for stockings instead of pantyhose, and she looked at me strangely. She told me that when she was a teenager, she had to wear a garter belt with stockings, and she had hated it. She permitted me to purchase a garter belt and a pair of stretchy stockings, and to say that I liked them very much is an understatement. Of course, at seventeen, I wasn't that interested in displaying my stockings to anyone. I think I just wanted to be different, as usual.

Now that I have a job for which I can dress up without worrying about mussing my clothes, I wear my vintage stockings almost every day. I don't like the way the garter clips dig into the backs of my thighs, but it's bearable. By the way, if you're interested in wearing old-fashioned stockings, please spend a bit more to get a good garter belt. Make sure that the garter clips are solid and that the rubber knobby part won't pop out of the metal loop -- and do insist on metal loops, as they last much longer than plastic. I like four straps on each leg; the flimsy little belts sold by most lingerie shops only have two, which are not enough to hold a non-stretchy nylon stocking taut all day.

I unfortunately don't have photos. Someday, perhaps...

Time for a very easy summer sweet.

Strawberries and Cream

Fresh strawberries, hulled

Heavy cream

Greek yogurt sweetened to taste with powdered sugar

or both!

Slice strawberries (or not). Pile in dishes.

Whip cream (or not), or mix sugar with yogurt. Pour or plop onto berries and enjoy.

a rún...

2010-07-22T19:35:00.004-04:00

That day,

I closed the door

but this day,

I press my eye to

a crack to

see your face.

To the man who played William Wallace

2010-07-01T20:12:00.002-04:00

"Be Gentle With Yourself"

2010-06-28T12:16:00.002-04:00

"Be gentle with yourself." That's a bit of advice I'd often heard, but wasn't able to follow. I even took a spiritual development class on being gentle with myself. Still, the taskmistress in my head refused to be banished. Gentle? What nonsense! Life isn't about being gentle. It's about working hard, harder, harder, and winning, and being right. And whatever you are, or want to do, if it doesn't get you more money, it's stupid. And you're stupid for wanting those things.

There are much worse things that get said, too, but I don't want to tell you those.

My friend Zilan sent me a link to this page, and for some reason, the author words the message in such a way that I finally was able to understand how gentleness and lovingkindness towards myself is not lazy, undisciplined, or disgustingly self-indulgent.

Criticizing yourself, beating yourself up, feeling sorry for yourself, and being disappointed in your own behavior is not virtuous, honorable, or productive in any way. If you do it on a regular basis, you’ve been taught to believe that negative feedback is an effective way to motivate change.

That kind of thinking was taught to you by those who didn’t know any better than to make you feel worse so they could feel better. They did their job well because you sub-consciously believe that if you can make yourself feel bad enough, you’ll do better.

Fortunately, that’s not how it works. Negative feedback creates avoidance behavior, not inspired behavior. Otherwise, the only way we can be successful is by making ourselves miserable!

DING! I suddenly understand. I've been experimenting with refusal to judge myself when I do things like eat dessert for dinner, finish the bottle of Chardonnay at the end of the evening, lie on the couch watching Law and Order, or take the bus instead of walking the couple of miles home. And yes, almost all of my harsh self-judgment has had to do with eating and body image problems. I still struggle, but it has gotten easier since reading this article and, somehow, taking it to heart. I hope you find it helpful, too.

http://www.essential-practices.com/gentle.html

Angel Cake Mariette

2010-06-25T20:09:00.003-04:00

"Mariette" is the French version of my name. This is a favorite simple, summertime dessert...or breakfast. You can get several servings out of the amounts listed below. Wrap any leftover cake tightly so that it doesn't dry out.

1 angel food cake

3 pints berries (strawberries and blueberries are good), washed, hulled, etc.

1 pkg frozen red raspberries, thawed

whipped cream

honey to taste

Cut cake by pulling apart with two forks.

Split cake pieces horizontally. Place the bottom half (or halves, if you're really hungry) in a bowl or on a plate.

Spoon thawed raspberries over the cake, letting the juice soak the cake.

Spoon some other berries over the raspberries. Put the top slice on the cake.

Spoon more berries over and around the cake. Drizzle with honey, if desired.

Top with lots of whipped cream. And most of all, enjoy!

Wednesday Pasta

2010-06-05T21:12:00.007-04:00

Makes about two servings, or one big one if you're very hungry.

2 cups uncooked whole-wheat pasta shells

1-3 oz. package mixed cremini, oyster, and portobello mushrooms
1 shallot, sliced thin

1 red bell pepper, diced

1 can quartered artichoke hearts

6 oz. goat cheese

Extra-virgin olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste

Sauté pepper, shallot, and mushrooms in a little olive oil until slightly softened. Add artichokes and stir just until heated through.

Meanwhile, cook pasta in salted water to al dente. Drain.

Mix hot pasta with goat cheese, stirring well until cheese is reduced to a creamy sauce.

Add vegetables to pasta and mix well.

Serve with a salad of mixed spring greens and herbs, with a glass of Pinot Grigio.

Returning

2010-06-05T21:11:00.000-04:00

I'm back.

Cassiopeia the Queen

2009-12-03T14:35:00.004-05:00

c. July 4, 2000 - December 3, 2009

śavāsana

2009-12-01T22:15:00.002-05:00

You might not think that there was much to playing dead. There really is. I do think it's funny that lying like a corpse has a specific technique and position involved. The feet need to be a bit apart, the hands turned palms-up, the eyes closed, the breathing shallow and relaxed.

I feel myself sinking, as though into the soil beneath the green tree that decorates my yoga mat. The roots brush my face as gently as a mother strokes her baby's cheek. It is cool and dark. There is nowhere to go, and all the time there is to get there. I sink deeper, feeling in my flesh, in my bones, the destiny of all flesh and all bones: to sink, to dissolve, to begin again.

Cassie update and my new project

2009-11-09T21:47:00.003-05:00

Cassie is holding her own. She's not eating as much as usual, and she's been very affectionate; never much of a lap kitty, she seems to always want to be near us. We don't think she is experiencing pain, but she must be nauseated. We are giving her medicine to help settle her stomach. She has another appointment in three weeks, unless she gets worse.

I saw my brother today for the first time in about a month. I love that kid with all my heart. He's still finding himself and his place in the world (and trying to find a job, poor kid). I felt inspired to create a plan for a cute home on wheels for him; built on a flatbed trailer, it could be really cute like the ones at Tumbleweed Houses. I really want to build something like this, and have for a long time. Maybe now I'll get my chance -- better check the salvage ads.

Cassiopeia

2009-11-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

My cat, Cassie, has lymphoma.

I can't stop crying.

Real Hiatus This Time

2009-08-08T21:31:00.003-04:00

Due to increased volume at work, I hardly leave my desk. Because my work involves the use of a computer, I have sustained an injury to my shoulder, which means that I have to limit my computer time to my job. I had a massage yesterday which seems to have helped, but until I'm healed, I think it's best if I don't spend much time at the computer. See you when I'm all better!

Beauty: In Their Own Words

2009-07-31T11:33:00.005-04:00

Maybe it's that I'm sugared out from our morning party (o, the chocolate-chili cookies!), but I thought I'd use this SGED Friday to share some words of body-love wisdom, along with links to galleries at The Judgment of Paris where you can see more of these beautiful women. And beautiful they are, inside and out.

"I’ll never forget seeing my fifth-grade photographs, taken at the beginning of the school year. I had just started developing. Just a little, and at the same time just enough to start feeling awkward about my body. I remember looking at the other kids’ pictures and comparing myself to them. God, I thought as I looked down at my reflection, I don’t like the way I look.
"Years later, on a sun-kissed beach in the Bahamas, I felt the same way as the day I saw those photos. I was with Michele [Weston] that day and I was being photographed for a summer issue of MODE. The only thing I had to wear was a swimsuit and a smile. I turned to her as the photographer had finished setting up his equipment, and I said, 'I just don't deserve to be here.' Michele took me over to a full-length mirror and replied, 'Barbara Brickner, you look at yourself. What makes you think you don’t deserve to be what all of us see in you?' I didn’t have an answer, for I could only see the reflection of a girl posing for her school picture. She continued: 'You’re here because we see the beauty in you. Not just the curves, the beautiful body, or the beautiful face, but it’s what comes out of you.' I was awakened."

Barbara Brickner
Barbara Brickner: An Encomium

"When I was thinner, I wasn’t comfortable with my body. Now, I like myself, tummy and all. The problem isn’t with me; it’s with others. When you’re full figured, people treat you like a failure. Even when I was a size 10, they thought I should do more to lose weight, not realizing how much I was doing. There’s so much pressure to be a small size in this society, even if it’s not natural or healthy for you. People should understand that when you’re healthy, it doesn’t matter what size you are."

Shannon Marie
Shannon Marie: Fairest of Them All

"As for maintaining such positive body image, well, I read a lot of books on the subject. As a plus model it's always been something that has come up...meaning the positive influence we are able to set for women. So it's good for me to be well read, right? And the bottom line is, I know I'm worthy and deserving of the very best in life, as we all are. This includes the choice to Love myself completely and totally as I am, exactly as I am. All you have to do is be willing to learn to Love yourself and the door has been opened. I remember recently sitting on the couch with my sister Jen. We had just had a lovely dinner, and my stomach was feeling it! So I looked down at my protruding belly full of good food, and gave it a rub and said, 'I Love you, stomach.' We both laughed of course. It was funny and sweet and true."

Valerie Lefkowitz
Valerie Lefkowitz: An Homage
I Love how Valerie capitalized "Love." Now I'm doing it, too! - MB

How are you loving yourself today? I am wearing one of my favorite dresses. Later, I'll be playing mermaid in the pool and lying quiescent in the sauna afterwards.

Turkish Delight

2009-07-24T12:30:00.014-04:00

There was no post last Friday because I took the last part of the day to prepare for and attend a concert by Peter Murphy, one of my all-time favorite musicians. He is one of the most compelling performers out there, a charismatic, limber frontman in the tradition of David Bowie and Iggy Pop, with a resonant, powerful baritone and a mystical bent that manifests itself in his lyrics.

I've been a fan of Peter's since I was about fourteen, when 88.7FM (CIMX) began its switch from adult contemporary to New Wave and alternative. I didn't always know what his lyrics meant, but I loved the mysterious, fanciful imagery ("The djinn men smash the ark/Four guides afloat, four dots of God"). And of course, I loved his strange, rich voice; singing along, I reached for those low notes until my throat was sore. Someday, I hope to tell him about all the little babies I've sung to sleep with snatches from "Huuvola," a lovely song he wrote for his own children. As most couples have a "song," our song is "I'll Fall With Your Knife;" it was our first (and only!) dance together at our wedding (my husband's not much for dancing).

I was lucky enough to meet Peter in 2000; he clasped my hand and said, "How are you, darling?" in response to my nervous "Hi, Peter." At another show on that same tour (I told you he's one of my all-time favorites), he autographed my copy of Coleman Barks' The Essential Rumi, after I handed it to a new friend, who handed it through a van window to Peter. He inscribed the book "To Moe," my nickname (usually minus the "e"), because that's the only name my new friend knew me by. This book is one of my treasures, and I nearly wept with relief when I found it intact after the fire that destroyed my apartment building several years ago. On the flyleaf, in blue ink now slightly smudged by water damage from that awful night, he wrote:

Thanks
to
Moe
"Be as you are
or
Be as you appear to be..."
'Rumi'
Peter Murphy

Peter is married to the beautiful Beyhan Murphy, founder and head of Modern Dance Turkey. They live in Ankara, Turkey, home to all kinds of marvelous sweets. My personal favorite is baklava, but I also like Turkish Delight. Unlike Edmund Pevensie, I can only eat a couple of pieces at a time, as it's very sweet.

This recipe contains no gelatin and comes from GastronomieDominie.com, Liz Upton's superlative blog. Please do go to the site and read the fascinating history of Turkish Delight, then try tackling this recipe. Serve the candy with strong coffee, as is traditional; it really takes the edge off the amazing bitterness of real Turkish coffee.

Rahat Lokum (Turkish Delight)

For 80 pieces (40 orange-flower flavour, 40 rose flavour) you'll need:

4 cups sugar
4 1/2 cups water
Juice of 1 lime
1 cup cornflour (cornstarch for Americans)
1 teaspoon cream of tartar (this stops the mixture from crystalising)
1 tablespoon essence of rose water
1 tablespoon essence of orange-flower water (both of these ingredients are made by the English Provender Company and are available in the UK in supermarkets) [American and Canadian friends, check Indian and Middle Eastern grocers -- MB]
1 cup icing sugar (confectioners' sugar for Americans)
1/4 cup extra cornflour

Begin by boiling the sugar with the lime juice and 1 1/2 cups of water. Use a jam thermometer and remove from the heat when the syrup reaches the soft ball stage (115C/239F).

While you are boiling the sugar syrup, combine the cream of tartar and a cup of cornflour with three cups of cold water. (Using cold water should prevent lumps.) Mix well and bring up to a simmer, stirring all the time. Continue stirring at a simmer until the mixture has made a thick, gluey paste. Stir the sugar syrup into this paste. (If you end up with lumps at this stage, push everything into a saucepan through a sieve with the back of a ladle.)

Simmer the sugar and cornflour mixture, stirring every few minutes, until it's a golden-honey colour and about 120C/248F (this is halfway between soft and hard ball on your jam thermometer, and will take about an hour). Divide the mixture into two, and pour it into two prepared trays lined with oiled cling film (American readers - this is what we call Saran wrap over here). Add a tablespoon of rose water and a few drops of pink food colouring to one and stir, a tablespoon of orange-flower water to the other, and stir. Cover and chill for a few hours until set.

Turn out the wobbling sections. You will be glad for that oiled cling film. Slice the set Turkish Delight into cubes, and roll in a mixture of 1 cup icing sugar and 1/4 cup cornflour so that they don't stick together. Set before the ravening hordes. If, unaccountably, they don't raven their way through the whole lot in one go, store in airtight boxes between layers of greaseproof paper, well-dusted with the icing sugar/cornflour mixture.

"The Honey Pat"

2009-07-13T12:15:00.004-04:00

No, the Honey Pat isn't another term for a love tap. I found it in Jeanne Rose's Herbal Body Book and it is really wonderful. You spread honey evenly on your face, and then tap your face all over with your fingertips for a few minutes; the honey will get stickier and stickier. Rinse off with warm water.

Honey is very good for skin. I sometimes spread a blob on my face and neck and relax for a while, rubbing it in to the skin every so often. I wipe it off with a warm washcloth. My skin feels soft and smooth, and looks clearer and brighter. The scent of honey is one of my favorites, and getting to lick my fingers after applying the honey is nice, too.

Waldorf-Astoria Rice Pudding: in memory of Nikola Tesla (1856-1943)

2009-07-10T09:37:00.008-04:00

The great Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla spent many years living at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York City. He dined alone each night, entering the dining room precisely at 8:00pm. As Tesla's eccentricities and exploits have been amply documented elsewhere, I'll refrain from attempting a biography here. If you're interested in learning more, I recommend the biographies by Margaret Cheney, Mark Seifer, and John O'Neill. I also recommend having some tissues handy, and possibly an image of Thomas Edison or J. Pierpont Morgan to thrash.

As he grew older, Tesla became more eccentric and, perhaps, a bit mad. He loved pigeons, for whom he bought seed even when he could not afford to pay his secretaries. As old age and poverty overtook him, Tesla ceased his sumptuous dining and subsisted mostly on warm milk, which he would heat himself in a chafing dish if required to dine with others.

I often think of Tesla, wondering, among other things, what he felt and thought about in his last years, alone in his suite at the New Yorker. Was he homesick for the white house, little church, and animal friends of his childhood? Did he miss the days when he strode into Peacock Alley, dressed to the nines, on the way to his solitary table at the Waldorf-Astoria? Or was he happy, alone with his pigeons?

In honor of Nikola Tesla's birthday, here is a recipe for rice pudding, allegedly from the kitchens of the Waldorf-Astoria. I like to think that the milky simplicity of this sweet would have tempted the ascetic genius enough to take a taste, at least.

Waldorf-Astoria Rice Pudding

Ingredients:
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons short-grain rice
2 1/2 quarts milk
1 1/4 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup raisins
Vanilla to taste
1 cup whipping cream
2 egg yolks

Directions:
Rinse rice in cold running water. Drain well. Combine milk with 1/3 of sugar and salt and bring to boil. Add rice, reduce heat and simmer, covered 1 hour or until rice is soft, stirring occasionally. Add raisins, remaining sugar and vanilla to taste.

Turn mixture into oven-proof serving dish or individual pudding cups. Beat cream until soft. Add egg yolks and stir well. Spread mixture evenly over top of rice pudding. Place under broiler until browned on tip, being careful cream does not scorch. Makes 6 to 8 servings.

In memory of Tesla's pigeon friends, here is a recipe for a cake made of bird seed -- it's part suet block and part seed, for birds to eat (you could try it yourself, but it probably tastes better to our feathered friends).

Bird Seed Cake

1 part vegetable shortening, suet, or lard (or use part of each, or add peanut butter)
2 parts bird seed

Melt the fat slowly over low heat. When it's completely melted, turn off the heat and stir in the seed. Pack it in a bowl or small Tupperware-type container. Refrigerate until good and solid. When ready to turn out, let your hands warm the outside of the container to loosen the cake, then dump it onto a plate or cutting board. Place outdoors (out of cats' reach, please) and watch the birds enjoy it.

"Let the future tell the truth, and evaluate each one according to his work and accomplishments. The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
Nikola Tesla

Happy Birthday, sir.

---
Postscript: Mr. John Wagner, a Michigan teacher, has made it his mission to place busts of Tesla in institutions around the world. Below is a fabulous 1989 photo of the bust housed at the University of Michigan, surrounded by members of Tesla, the inventor's namesake rock band, along with Mr. Wagner's students. The band funded the creation of this bust, the first one made, which was offered to, and rejected by, the Smithsonian.

Cancellation, and Perspective

2009-07-07T15:13:00.007-04:00

My ballet class has been cancelled due to low enrollment; apparently, I was the only student. The new term starts in the fall, so I have plenty of time to crochet myself a little backpack for my gear. I bought my dance clothes last Thursday from a little shop in my city, and the young lady clerk was very helpful and supportive of my beginning ballet at my age and size (she said nothing about either). There was a large range of sizes available, and mine actually fell somewhere towards the middle, though I did select a "Tall" size to suit my long torso. I tried on the complete outfit last night and it felt very good. I will use the time between now and the start of the fall term to work on becoming more flexible, though, happily, I'm quite bendy now.

My friend Heinrich Saint-Germain at The Judgment of Paris recently posted some new photos of the gorgeous Barbara Brickner. Wouldn't you know it: in one of them, Mrs. Brickner is posed almost as I am in the photo of myself that I thought so lumpy and bumpy and, therefore, ugly. Of course, she is wearing more clothing in her photo than I am in mine...

I don't think that posting my photo here is appropriate, but if you must see it, I'll email you the link to the gallery page.

Anyway, I found my reaction to Mrs. Brickner's image very interesting. First, I was struck by her beauty, of course; she is very lovely. Then my mouth slowly opened as I realized how similar my body is to hers, though at five-six, I'm at least two inches shorter than she is. After a moment or two, I whirled around to my husband and almost shouted into his startled face, "Why don't I see that when I look at myself?!" The very characteristics I like about her body are the ones I feel funny about in my own body. Is it possible to see oneself as beautiful, all the time?

The gaps in self-confidence during which I feel bad about my looks are shorter, though still intense. The difference is that now, I acknowledge when I have those feelings, instead of pretending to everyone, including myself, that I know beyond any doubt how hot I am. I still dress up and wear short skirts and camisoles, even when I worry that I resemble the Stay-Puft marshmallow man more than a vibrant, healthy, young(ish) woman who is lucky enough to be living many of her dreams. Because, really, I am. I am thankful.

Long Hair

2009-07-06T20:45:00.000-04:00

As a little girl, I almost always had long hair and heavy bangs. My hair, being long, wavy, and red, made me a target on the playground and in the classroom; my braids and ponytails got yanked hard and often by the little bastards at school. One girl delighted in seizing one braid in each hand and screeching, "Make a wish!" while she pulled hard. When I was ten, my mother cut my hair to about the middle of my neck. My youngest sister was starting school, and my mother didn't have time to brush my hair for me every morning; it was too long and thick for me to take care of myself. So, my hair was cut short. I actually liked the way it fluttered around my ears when I shook my head. My head felt light and cool.

In eighth grade, I decided I wanted to let my hair grow. I had learned to care for it myself and felt able to handle it. The period while my layers grew out is horrifyingly documented in school pictures.

Query: does anyone have a good time in middle school? Why can't we hide our transformation period in cocoons?

When I was fourteen, I began baby-sitting a family of three children, whose mother had curly hair. She advised me to try a little gel in my hair, applied by "scrunching." I did try it, and suddenly I had curls hanging to my shoulder blades. I asked my parents for a "Curly Top" diffuser and was thrilled with the results.

Since then, I've let my hair grow. It hovered around my waist for many years, and now it hangs below my hips. The springy curls I enjoyed when it was shorter are now pulled into S-shaped waves by my hair's weight. I don't wear it down very often, but when I do, people stare. I've found that some people respond very strongly, and positively, to hair like mine. Little girls have mistaken me for a princess.

No matter how I feel about the rest of my physical self, I always love my hair. I love its length and weight and color. If I could change anything about it, I'd like it to be curlier. It could be, if I cut it, but I don't want to do that. I wish it were immune to split ends, too. Someday, I hope it will reach to my knees, healthy and strong and shining deep red.

For anyone interested, here's what I use these days:
Mehandi Ginger/Cardamom shampoo bar
50/50 cider vinegar/water rinse
L'oreal Vive Pro Nutri Gloss Conditioner (long/wavy/curly formula) (I'm looking for an inexpensive, cruelty-free alternative and, since there seems to be no such thing, I am considering making my own.)
flax seed gel
cocoa butter on the ends

Coconut Cake with Lime Curd

2009-07-03T10:21:00.003-04:00

Lately, I've been drinking coconut water -- the liquid found in immature coconuts. It's delicious and loaded with beneficial minerals. I drink it straight and also blend it with frozen mango, pineapple, and fresh ginger. Here's a cake recipe that calls for coconut water drawn from mature coconuts, but I think it would be good with water from young coconuts, too. You can use a packaged brand like O.N.E., or follow the directions in the recipe for preparing coconuts.

Coconut Cake with Lime Curd

For cake layers:
3 cups cake flour (not self-rising)
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup whole milk
1/2 cup fresh coconut liquid (from about 3 heavy coconuts without any cracks and containing liquid, (procedure follows) or water
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
2 1/2 sticks (1 1/4 cups) unsalted butter, softened
1 3/4 cups sugar
5 large eggs

For lime curd:
6 large egg yolks
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup fresh lime juice
3 tablespoons heavy cream
3/4 stick (6 tablespoons) cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces
2 teaspoons freshly grated lime zest

1 cup shredded fresh coconut (procedure follows) or sweetened flaked coconut

For frosting:
2 large egg whites
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoon light corn syrup
1 teaspoon freshly grated lime zest
1 teaspoon fresh lime juice

about 4 cups shaved fresh coconut (procedure follows) or 2 1/2 cups sweetened flaked coconut

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line bottoms of three buttered 9- by 2-inch round cake pans with rounds of wax paper or parchment paper and butter paper. Dust pans with flour, knocking out excess.

Make cake layers:
In a bowl whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a glass measure stir together milk, coconut liquid or water, and vanilla. In a large bowl with an electric mixer beat butter on medium speed 1 minute and add sugar in a slow stream, beating. Beat mixture scraping bowl occasionally, until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Beat in eggs 1 at a time, beating well after each addition. Reduce speed to low and beat in flour mixture in 4 batches alternately with milk mixture, beginning and ending with flour mixture and scraping bowl occasionally, until batter is just combined (do not overbeat).

Divide batter among pans, smoothing tops and tapping pans on counter to allow any air bubbles to escape. Bake cake layers in middle and lower thirds of oven (arrange pans so they overlap only slightly) until a tester inserted in center comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Run a thin knife around edges of pans and invert cake layers onto racks. Remove wax paper carefully and cool cake layers completely. Cake layers may be made 1 day ahead and kept, wrapped in plastic wrap, in an airtight container in a cool dry place. (Alternatively, cake layers may be made 5 days ahead and frozen wrapped in plastic wrap and foil. Thaw cake layers in refrigerator 1 day before proceeding.)

Make lime curd:
In a heavy saucepan whisk together yolks, sugar, lime juice, cream, and butter and cook over moderately low heat, whisking constantly, 5 to 7 minutes, or until mixture just reaches a boil (do not let boil). Strain curd through a fine sieve into a bowl and stir in zest. Cool curd its surface covered with plastic wrap, and chill at least 4 hours and up to 2 days.

Assemble cake layers and lime curd:
Put 1 cake layer on a cake plate and spread evenly with about half of lime curd. Sprinkle with 1/2 cup shredded fresh or sweetened flaked coconut and chill 15 minutes. Repeat layering in same manner with another cake layer, remaining lime curd, and remaining 1/2 cup coconut and top with remaining cake layer. Chill cake 15 minutes.

Make frosting:
In top of a double boiler off heat or in a large metal bowl with a hand-held electric mixer beat together frosting ingredients until combined. In double boiler or in bowl set over a saucepan of boiling water beat mixture on high speed until it holds stiff glossy peaks, about 7 minutes. (Depending on mixer and weather, this may take longer.) Remove top of double boiler or bowl from heat and beat frosting until cool and spreadable.

Frost cake and coat with shaved fresh or sweetened flaked coconut.

To extract coconut liquid:
Pierce softest eye of each coconut with a metal skewer or small screwdriver and working over a bowl shake coconut, draining liquid and reserving coconut for shredding or shaving (procedure follows). Makes about a scant 3/4 cup liquid.

To shred or shave fresh coconut:
Preheat oven to 400°F.

Bake reserved drained coconuts in oven 15 minutes

With a hammer or back of a heavy cleaver, break shells and remove meat, levering it out carefully with point of a strong knife or small screwdriver. Remove brown membrane with a sharp paring knife or vegetable peeler.

To shred coconut:
In a food processor fitted with fine shredding blade shred coconut meat from about 1 coconut in batches or shred by hand on fine shredding side (small tear-shaped holes) of a 4 sided grater until you have about 1 cup, reserving remaining coconut meat for another use.

To shave coconut:
With a vegetable peeler shave edges of coconut meat pieces until you have about 3 1/2 cups, reserving remaining coconut meat for another use. Coconuts may be shredded or shaved 1 day ahead and chilled in a sealable plastic bag.

The (broken) heart of the matter

2009-07-02T09:59:00.008-04:00

I, with my 44-34-46 body, will begin ballet next week. I now face the purchase of dance clothes, risking the criticism of my body by shopkeepers and teachers. I have another artist interested in photographing me, just as I am, without makeup and without clothing, and right now I can't imagine why anyone thinks I am beautiful.

My eyebrows and lashes are white-blonde, my hair is overlong and wavy red, my skin is freckly in places. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Yet I don't want to change anything, because I know how stupid I would look with shorter hair of another color and that even at my thinnest (and least happy), my thighs were still thick and my tummy rounded and therefore eating even more salads won't make me slimmer. I say "No" to the "obey!" messages I see around, and like myself, in my secret heart, pretty well; I mistrust others and assume they are "just being nice" or that they want to photograph me because my body is abnormal and, therefore, interesting. It's harder for me to admit that I'm still not wholly accepting and celebrating my body than it is to acknowledge that I can't ever fulfill an ideal. I'm too fat for Modigliani and too thin for Rubens. I'm nowhere.

I want acceptance and affirmation so much. I dread being sloppy, stretching the definition of "beauty" until it breaks into two meaningless syllables. I hate the way I push myself and the voice I thought vanquished telling me "no, harder, more, faster, no." I hate that I listen to it and can't make it go away right now. I want to get it right.

Telling you all this probably sounds like I'm fishing for compliments. I'm not and I don't; I used to, sometimes, and no one ever bit.

The enemy isn't in magazines or on TV. It's not "the patriarchy" or another such socio-political bogeyman. It doesn't motivate me to buy products or services to make myself over. I'm still not sure that I have the right to order my life as I choose, to seek pleasure in my flesh, to decide for myself what I will do, wear, believe, and say.

Inside me, there's still a little red-haired girl in a blue dress and oxblood-colored shoes, wanting her daddy to love her, say he's proud of her, tell her she's pretty and perfect just as she is. I am ashamed of her and want her to stop, even as I cry her tears.

"Fathers, be good to your daughters." Please.

Go ahead -- eat the flan!

2009-06-26T12:59:00.003-04:00

Because I wish I were in Florida with my husband, enjoying delicious Spanish food, I hunted up a flan recipe that I just might try this weekend, if it's not too hot. This recipe comes from the How To Make Dessert site.

Flan

Ingredients
1 can sweetened condensed milk (14 oz)
1 can evaporated milk (12 fl oz)
14 oz. whole milk (measure in empty condensed milk can)
3 whole eggs
5 egg yolks
Pinch of salt
12 tsp regular granulated white sugar
Boiling water

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 400° F. Ready 8 (6oz) ramekins. We are going to pre-caramelize a layer of sugar into the bottom of each ramekin. Line ramekins evenly with 2 tsp sugar each. Arrange them evenly on a removable wire rack that can go into the oven, giving some space between each other. The wire rack is used for easy-in-easy-out of the oven. This will allow for the ramekins to get equal heat exposure all at once and maintain open airflow, unlike a baking sheet. (If you only have a baking sheet, you may use it instead, but it will take longer to caramelize.)

2. Boil water. Keep on low heat and ready to use.

3. When oven temperature reaches 400° F, place the wire rack with sugar-lined ramekins centrally on the lowest oven rack. Keep a close eye on the sugar and do not go anywhere. (This process is better done with a see-through oven door with oven light turned on so you don't have heat escaping.) When you've got a nice golden brown color, which can occur quickly, remove the entire wire rack with ramekins from the oven. (If your oven has uneven heat distribution, you can remove just the ones which look ready and give the others more time, but again, keep a close eye). Once they turn a golden brown color, they can burn very soon afterward. Your new caramel glaze will start to harden and crackle as they cool. That's all right. Turn oven temperature down to 325° F.

4. Whisk the three kinds of milk and salt together. Whisk eggs and egg yolks in a separate bowl. Then combine the milk and egg mixtures and mix well. Strain the mixture through a sieve to eliminate clumps. Separate mixture into the individual ramekins over the caramelized sugar.

5. Place ramekins evenly into a baking pan leaving space around each one. Fill baking pan with boiling water halfway up the ramekins. Bake in this water bath on the lower middle oven rack for 40-45 minutes until set but still jiggly in the center.

6. Remove and cool for 30 minutes. Individually cover each ramekin with plastic wrap making sure it's air-tight. Chill for at least 4 hours, but better if you give it 8 hours.

7. When you're ready to serve, remove the plastic wrap and loosen the sides of the ramekins by running a paring knife around the edges. Invert and serve. (Inverting may be easier if you keep the paring knife inserted and slightly pulled to let some air in, but be careful not to puncture the surface in the process.) Enjoy!

What I did last weekend

2009-06-23T19:59:00.010-04:00

Now that I've declared a hiatus and don't feel obligated to blog three times a week, I find I have more to say. Funny how that works.

Today I saw prints of the first photos I've had taken in almost four years. Not counting my wedding pictures, of course, and these were just test photos. And I hated them. My tummy seemed huge, my thighs likewise. I looked lumpy and bloated and strange. I sat with tears in my eyes as the photographer and his wife/collaborator (with whom I posed for some shots) praised me and the photographs. I felt shame, disgust, and failure. I was ready to plead illness and help them get everything back down the stairs. It's one thing to prattle on about body acceptance and size celebration, but I learned today that where the rubber meets the road, I still don't like my body.

I don't always have the eyes to see my beauty, or whatever other people see when they look at me that they find attractive and worthy of capturing for their art. When the photographer told me, "Big is beautiful!" I replied, "Yeah, on other people." This led into a conversation about body image and art, and I was told that I am "red-haired, freckled, chubby, shapely, and beautiful -- you're the classical ideal, with your shape." I still felt like not eating ever again and torturing myself at the Y. I love to swim, but I found myself thinking that it might be time to hit the elliptical for, say, three hours a night. I stopped that line of thinking long enough to listen to what the photographer was telling me, and the frantic, crazy thoughts went away.

After all my appointments today (my psychiatrist actually weighed me, so size was on my mind anyway), I met again with the photographer and his wife. We hauled equipment up the stairs and spent four hours making art. I had fun, and enjoyed every bit of it once I calmed down and, as I joked with them, "got my mojo back." Both my collaborators were, I think, making an effort to praise me, which I appreciated very much. Their acceptance freed me to be more creative than I ever have been. I think we got some good photos, and this time, I'm armored against seeing my changed body in the new images.

I wouldn't really wish my sick thyroid back, and my contours have only exaggerated, not entirely transformed; I'm hardly Venus of Willendorf. I have a waist, a big bust, and wide hips. My legs are short and heavily muscled under a moderate layer of adipose tissue. My thighs have texture, and sometimes my tummy does, too.

I spoke with my husband (he's in Florida doing family work) after the photographer left this evening, and told him how I had felt about the first photos. He became quite impassioned, telling me that at no point in history besides our own has skinny been the ideal, and how now the curves that you see in ads are surgically created and digitally manipulated. He reminded me that I am both happier and healthier now than when I could squeeze into size 10 jeans, at my thinnest back in college. He said that if I wanted to give up eating, spend four hours a night at the gym, six days a week, and take $50,000 for touch-up surgery, I could look like a run-of-the-mill Model Mayhem girl, but would still find something about my body to loathe. I know all this, but it did me good to hear him saying it. He said some other things relating to my body, but those remarks are not for public consumption.

I've always been one to worry whether I'm "doing it right." I felt today, when I first saw the prints, that I was doing it wrong, my body was wrong, that I was a fool and a freak to take my clothes off for an artist. Sometimes, I still don't feel that I have permission to consider myself beautiful, that this shape I'm in is lovely and right for me. All I can do is try again tomorrow.

(all images copyrighted)

Fathers' Day

2009-06-21T21:05:00.003-04:00

"I would give you some violets, but they withered all when my father died."
Hamlet, Act IV, Scene v

Hiatus

2009-06-19T12:15:00.002-04:00

I won't be blogging for an unknown length of time. I am busy and need to focus on things other than this. To anyone out there, thanks for reading.

Nia Vardalos: What's the Big Deal?

2009-06-12T20:18:00.003-04:00

The marvelous Nia Vardalos has written a piece about her doctor-ordered weight loss. Though I would argue that weight loss is not as simple as throwing and retrieving a bag of Doritos (calories in minus calories out does not equal weight loss for everyone), I love her confidence and frankness.

I support all people in their quests for health. If weight loss (or gain!) happens to be part of that, then I support that, too. What I do not support is weight loss for the sake of making one's body fit the deranged ideal we have forced on us every time we wait in line at the grocery store. A woman gains weight, and she's "packed on the pounds." If she loses weight, she's "got her body back." If she loses "too much" weight, she must have an eating disorder.

Our bodies are never good enough. There are people who make obscene amounts of money off the self-hatred they drill into our minds. What's it going to take to get you mad enough to refuse to buy in?

Excerpt:

So, what exactly is up with my weight loss? I get hit with this awkward question daily and have answered it in press interviews, at the grocery store, at the newspaper stand. Why? Because I see their anxious, open faces needing the secret, the new pill, the cure, anything. Just please share the secret. So I hesitantly answer and am always met with the same response: the glaze-eye slack-jawed face.

Because they don’t want to hear the truth: I had a blood sugar problem so my Doctor ordered me to lose weight, it was really hard but I did it through diet, exercise and it took a year.

This is when the boredom sets in on the querying person. I might as well just shove an Ambien up their nostril. The gleam in their eye fades and they get sleepy.

No one wants to hear the facts about weight loss. It’s simple. Take that bag of Doritos and throw it as far as you can. Now chase after it. Pick it up, do it again.

Or don’t. You don’t have to lose weight, unless like me, it becomes an issue of health. I thought I was attractive when I shot ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding.’ Studio executives and movie reviewers let me know I had a confidence in my looks that was not shared by them. In other words: they labeled me with words like, overweight, unattractive, unappealing. Hey, just say fat. I love the word fat. I used it in the title. It’s actually not a naughty word. We give it a power it actually doesn’t have. So, you’re fat. Big deal.

Kansas City Chocolate Dream

2009-06-12T09:43:00.002-04:00

This recipe comes from Maida Heatter by way of Kristina, the Theobroma Goddess. Thanks again, Kristina.

Variations of this recipe pop up in many areas of the country under many different names; Chocolate Upside Down Cake, Chocolate Sauce Pudding, Chocolate Pudding Cake, Hot Fudge Sauce Cake, to name a few. In most cases, whatever the name, you will have a square pan of chocolate cake floating in a rather thin, dark chocolate syrup; both the cake and the syrup are spooned out together and served like a pudding with a sauce.

This Missouri recipe is similar, but is something else. It is a small shallow square upside-down cake which, when turned onto a cake plate, covers itself with a think layer of dark chocolate topping that resembles nothing I can think of. The topping is as dark and shiny as black patent leather, as tender and semi-firm as a pot de crème, and as mocha-chocolate flavored as you might weave dreams about.

The topping and the cake are baked together. Sensationally quick/easy/foolproof. This is wonderful just as soon as it has barely cooled, or it can wait for hours, or it can be frozen.

Cake
1 cup sifted all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (preferably Dutch-process)
2/3 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 ounce (1/4 stick ) unsalted butter, melted
½ cup walnuts, broken into medium-size pieces

Adjust a rack one-third up from the bottom of the oven and preheat oven to 350°. Butter a shallow 8-inch square cake pan and set aside.
Sift together into the small bowl of an electric mixer the flour, baking powder, salt, cocoa, and sugar. Add the milk, vanilla, and melted butter, and beat until smooth and slightly pale in color. Remove the bowl from the mixer. Stir in the nuts. Turn into the buttered pan and smooth the top. Let stand while you make the topping.

Topping
1/3 cup granulated sugar
6 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (preferably Dutch-process)
½ cup dark brown sugar, firmly packed
2 teaspoons granular instant coffee
1 cup water

In a small, heavy saucepan combine all the ingredients. Stir over rather high heat until the sugars melt and the mixture comes to a full boil.
Gently ladle the boiling hot mixture all over the cake batter.
Bake for 40 minutes until a toothpick inserted gently into the cake comes out clean. (During baking, the topping will sink to the bottom.) Set aside to cool in the pan.
When the cake has cooled, cover with a square or oblong serving plate or a cutting board. Holding them firmly together, turn the pan and the plate over. If the cake does not slide out of the pan easily (and it probably will not), hold the plate and the pan firmly together upside down and tap them on the work surface. Now the cake will come out, and it will be covered with the topping, some of which will still be in the pan; use a rubber spatula to remove it all and put in on the cake. Smooth the top gently or pull the topping up into uneven peaks.
Serve immediately or let stand all day or freeze. (If you freeze this do not cover with plastic wrap; the topping never does freeze hard and plastic wrap will stick to it. Just cover the whole thing with an inverted box deep enough so it doesn't touch the cake.) Freezing diminishes the flavor of all foods, especially this. Although this can be erved frozen, it has more flavor if it is brought to room temperature.
This cake does not need a thing but a plate and fork. However, if you are serving it for a birthday party or some other festivity, ice cream is wonderful with it.

"You Must Obey."

2009-06-08T13:11:00.006-04:00

If any of you are Hotmail users, you're probably seeing ads touting a weight-loss "rule" that "You Must Obey!" This same advertisement appears on other sites, too, but Hotmail is where I see it most. The accompanying photos change from time to time, but the message does not.

A photo of a face-forward, moderately plump woman set above a photo of what appears to be the same woman, drastically smaller, standing at the classic size-minimizing angle.

"You Must Obey."

I hit the Refresh button, and the ad comes right back. This time, the illustration is a leggy cartoon woman in a purple T-shirt and panties.

"1 Rule You Must Obey."

Sometimes, the emphasis changes: "You MUST Obey!" "You must OBEY!"

Why?

I will not click the ad. I don't want those responsible for it to be encouraged by site traffic.

Obey. Be good. Get thinner. Work harder. Cut your hair. Wear this.

Don't eat dessert. Don't ask for sex. Don't laugh so loudly. Don't ask for more.

Deny yourself. Deny your Self.

No.

.

Rhubarb Shortcake

2009-06-05T14:10:00.002-04:00

For many years, we had a rhubarb plant growing on the north side of our yard. We used to dare each other to bite into a freshly-plucked stalk, knowing how dreadfully sour it would be. Thinking of it now, the inside of my mouth cringes and waters. In The First Four Years, Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote of her mortification at realizing the "pieplant" pie she baked for the hired threshers had no sugar in it; one kind-hearted man sugared his own slice, claiming that he liked it that way because everyone could sweeten the pie as much or as little as he liked.

My mother often made stewed rhubarb, which she served with shortcake, ladled over ice cream, and my father sometimes ate plain, from a bowl (or from the jar!) with a spoon. She also made rhubarb cobbler, about which I sometimes dream. It was so very delicious and so simple, just rhubarb in an 8x8 square pan, covered with a streusel of butter, brown sugar, rolled oats, and a sprinkle of cinnamon, baked for 20 minutes or so. Technically, I guess it was a "crumble" rather than a "cobbler," but a rose by any other name...

Stewed Rhubarb

4 cups rhubarb, chopped
2/3-3/4 cup sugar (really, to taste)
1/4 cup water

Put rhubarb and water in a medium saucepan. Pour the sugar over the rhubarb, mixing well. Cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally (and watching that it doesn't burn), until soft. Serve warm, or refrigerate and serve cold on yogurt or oatmeal.

Projects and Cake

2009-06-03T20:15:00.003-04:00

I didn't make cake last weekend. Instead, I'm going to make it this weekend. In the meantime, I have several crochet projects to finish: tiny clothes for my sister's daughter. We're expecting her to arrive at any moment. My sister is under doctor's orders to relax, in order to delay labor (she's been to the hospital once already).

In July, I will be playing the harp in public for the first time in four years. I've neglected it dreadfully, but my beautiful instrument has painful associations now (mostly tied to what I wrote about last time). This is another thing I'm taking back. I keep finding things to take back to myself, wash clean, and make mine again. More heavy lifting. I am thankful for the help I've been given.

During lunch, I visited the ballet school and obtained a schedule. The lady I spoke with there had silver hair swept back from her elegantly boned face; she was working on something with a sewing machine. I told her that I wanted to join the adult introductory class, and she was very gracious and, thank heaven, didn't laugh at my short-legged, heavy-muscled, big-breasted body. I peeked into the studio itself and oh, the beautiful blond floor and the barre! I can make this happen.

I treated myself to a few essential oils, the better to create a natural skin care regimen. The products I've ordered through the mail has been either severely delayed or stolen, and is more expensive than I'd like anyway. The sugar scrub recipe from Little House in the Suburbs has been working really well; I used calendula and chamomile flowers instead of basil, mixed with olive oil, turbinado sugar, and tea tree, lavender, and blue cypress essential oils. My skin feels soft, but not oily (always a problem this time of year). Tonight, I'll try my herb-infused cider vinegar toner; my hair likes it, so I have high hopes for my skin.

What are all of you up to?

Coming Out: The Emancipation of Artemis

2009-05-30T20:24:00.017-04:00

About The Emancipation of Artemis, created by Jennifer Summer, from Jennifer's journal:

i have been blessed in my life with an extremely large extended family -- my friends.

i realized one day that out of all these women, i can count on one hand the number of them who have not had an experience with abuse in some form or another.

i realized that i had spent a large portion of my childhood in hospital waiting rooms, watching a close family member endure numerous operations and countless health problems due to the acts of one malicious, psychotic attacker.

i realized just how widely spread this epidemic has become.

and then i decided to do something about it.

i don't have the qualifications to assist in a professional, controlled environment, but i do have passion and an ability to express myself artistically, and i began to brainstorm a way in which i could combine those two things in order to make an impact.

and now, several years later, that dream has come to fruition. through the efforts of not only myself but my wide circle of kindred spirit chosen family, we have joined our voices together as a chorus for change.

and, thus, the emancipation of artemis was born. right now it is a single benefit that will be held at the york st. cafe in newport, ky on friday, june 5th (7 p.m. - 10 p.m.) and will feature a photography exhibit, live music, poetry readings, guest speakers and an art sale. the talented people in the 'contributing artists' section have all donated their original work to be sold, and the individuals in the 'performers' section of 'the event' menu will be lending their talents during the show.

every single dime raised will go directly to RAINN so that they may continue to do the amazing work that they do for people all over the united states.

but my dream is for artemis to become a global organization; for artists around the world to hold their own events and raise money for groups such as RAINN that help those who need it most. and, in light of what has been accomplished thus far, i believe that dream is an attainable one.

eight women have bravely come forward and opened themselves up -- they've shared their story and shown their face. they are not victims. they are not dreary, they are not tragic. they are triumphant. they are survivors. they are warriors.

they are living proof that we are so much more than just the sum of our experiences.

---

Since you'd figure it out anyway when you go to the Artemis site and click through the gallery, I'll just tell you: I am one of the eight women whose portrait and story is part of the exhibit.

I wasn't able to travel to be photographed by Jennifer herself, so she asked me to send her a photo from my portfolio. I selected one taken on my wedding day, by Karen Varnas. Partly because I didn't get photographed by Jennifer (and therefore, the image doesn't "match" the others), and partly because my story is the longest, I feel like I did it wrong somehow. It's the anxiety brought on by telling a bit of what happened.

Reading my own words, my cheeks burn with shame. I'm afraid for people to know this about me, that it will hang over every time I meet them. That they will wonder what I did to bring it on myself. That they don't know that I sometimes want to know that, too; for someone to treat me so badly, there must be a good reason, something terrible that I did. I used to wonder if there was an invisible sign on me that invited men to try things on me, without my permission. Maybe they could see that I had been wounded while very young, and wanted very much to be loved.

Please don't misunderstand me. I am happy beyond what I thought was possible. I know that the way I was treated was not my fault. I am lucky enough to love and be loved by my best friend of nearly sixteen years. I had long since accepted that a gray veil would hang between me and the world -- it's just how my brain works, I thought. After my diagnosis and thyroidectomy, I knew differently, and I saw clearly that the way I was being treated was wrong, wrong, wrong. I tried to imagine a good friend in my position, and thought of what I would tell her. In the end (or is it the beginning?), I did exactly what I would have told my hypothetical friend: called my mom, packed a U-Haul, and got the hell out of there.

Jenn herself was of immeasurable help and comfort to me while I was struggling with what I wrote about for the exhibit. I still keep on my desk a photo she took of a single daisy, standing tall in a field. She captioned it: "It doesn't matter where you've been. What matters is where you are now." Looking at it, meditating on it, helps me to re-anchor myself in my joyous present.

I forget sometimes that the Bad Old Days can never return. Sometimes, they do still cast long, frightening shadows, but those shadows grow fainter every time I glimpse them. I am grateful to be out, to be away, to be home. In the night when I am afraid, I reach out and find my best friend, my beloved husband, sleeping there under blankets beside me. I feel my own face, my beautiful long hair, the ridge of scar tissue at my throat, and I know who I am, where I am, and I am no longer afraid.

Getting out, getting away, going home, I had help. I reached out, and so many hands reached back to me. Among them were Jennifer's hands, loving and fierce. She is a beautiful soul, a very talented artist, and this work she is doing is of immense importance.

And if you're struggling like I was, or at all, don't be afraid to ask for help. Or, be afraid if you have to be, but ask despite the fear. It's worth it, I promise you.

The Emancipation of Artemis: Artists United to End Violence Against Women
Friday, June 5 2009
7-10pm (music begins at 8pm)
York Street Cafe
Newport, KY

RAINN
National Domestic Violence Hotline
HopeLine - 1-800-SUICIDE

xoxo

Jiffy Mix

2009-05-29T16:09:00.003-04:00

While riding in the car from my maternal grandfather's home in Holt, to visit my paternal grandfather in Clinton, I was always excited to see the silos of the Chelsea Milling Company looming up along M-52. It felt a lot like glimpsing a beloved film star.

We almost always had a box of Jiffy Baking Mix in our house when I was a little girl. Invented by Mabel White Holmes about 1930, it was the very first prepared baking mix. My mother made pot pie crust and pasties with it, along with drop biscuits, shortcakes and pancakes. When I was in middle school and learning to bake, I liked to make the cake recipe from the back of the box. It made one layer of delicious vanilla cake that I loved to eat warm, with a glass of cold milk.

One of my favorite food memories is of smelling the warm, cinnamon aroma of a Jiffy coffee cake baking, knowing how good it would taste when Mom finally declared it cool enough to slice and served us each a piece. I still make this cake from time to time (probably not often enough), and it's still simply delicious.

Coffee Cake

Batter:
2 cups "JIFFY" Baking Mix
3 Tbsp. sugar
3/4 cup milk
1 egg, slightly beaten
2 Tbsp. shortening, melted (I use butter - MB)

Topping:
1 Tbsp. "JIFFY" Baking Mix
1/4 cup sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon
2 Tbsp. margarine or butter
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Preheat oven to 350°, grease 8" square pan.

Blend together batter ingredients and spread into prepared pan. Combine topping ingredients (use cold butter and a pastry blender to keep the streusel crumbly - MB) and sprinkle over batter. Bake 25-30 minutes. Serve warm.

What could be simpler? The recipe doubles easily, too. So delicious.

Here's the cake recipe, too. I plan to make this one this weekend, and to eat it with berries and orange sections. It's such a good, simple treat.

Old-Fashioned Cake
makes one single-layer cake

1-1/2 cups "JIFFY" Baking Mix
3/4 cup sugar
2/3 cup milk
1 egg
2 Tbsp. shortening, softened (again, I always used butter - MB)
1 tsp. vanilla

Preheat oven to 375°, grease, flour and line 8" round pan, with wax paper. (Cut wax paper slightly smaller than pan.)

Combine all ingredients and beat 2 minutes. Pour batter into prepared pan. Bake 25-30 minutes. Cool in pan for 10 minutes. Remove from pan and let cool completely before serving.

---

Eat, and be happy.

Running Through

2009-05-28T14:06:00.002-04:00

More recipes at Stephanie Tourles' blog.

Little House in the Suburbs is my new playground. It's full of lotsa ideas to keep it cheap, green, and real.

I'm around, just working hard and feeling somewhat uninspired. My sister's baby is due in a few weeks and I'm crocheting my fingers off.

See you tomorrow!

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T13:12:00.003-04:00

World War II by Alberto Vargas

Chocolate Mousse

2009-05-22T09:09:00.004-04:00

A yummy classic from Elise at Simply Recipes. I have a few very good recipes (Julia Child's in Mastering the Art of French Cooking is rich-rich-rich and yum-um-my), but this one is simpler. Simple is good -- you don't have to wait as long to sample your sweets. Enjoy!

Chocolate Mousse

4 1/2 ounces bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
2 tablespoons (1 ounce) unsalted butter, diced
2 tablespoons espresso or very strong coffee
1 cup cold heavy cream
3 large eggs, separated
1 tablespoon sugar
Whipped cream and berries for garnish (if you like)

Whip the cream to soft peaks (cold cream, cold bowl, cold beaters), then refrigerate.
Combine the chocolate, butter, and espresso in the top of a double boiler over hot, but not simmering, water, stirring frequently until smooth.
Remove from the heat and let cool until the chocolate is just slightly warmer than body temperature. To test, dab some chocolate on your bottom lip. It should feel warm. If it is too cool, the mixture will seize when the other ingredients are added.
Once the melted chocolate has cooled slightly, whip the egg whites in a medium bowl until they are foamy and beginning to hold a shape. Sprinkle in the sugar and beat until soft peaks form.
When the chocolate has reached the proper temperature, stir in the yolks. Gently stir in about one-third of the whipped cream. Fold in half the whites just until incorporated, then fold in the remaining whites, and finally the remaining whipped cream.
Spoon or pipe the mousse into a serving bowl or individual dishes. If you wish, layer in fresh raspberries and whipped cream. Refrigerate for at least 8 hours. (The mousse can be refrigerated for up to a day.)

Orange and Beet Salad & Peanut Butter Cookies: in memory of Bunny and Ned

2009-05-15T13:31:00.011-04:00

Last month, I became a supporter of The Elephant Sanctuary in Hohenwald, TN. I sent my donation in memory of Topsy, the traumatized elephant electrocuted by Thomas Edison in an effort to discredit Nikola Tesla's polyphase (alternating current) system. I sometimes fantasize about getting a steampunk-y group together, donning elephant masks, and rampaging through Greenfield Village, a veritable Edison shrine (Ford worked for the Edison Illuminating Company in the 1890s, so it's understandable). Greenfield Village and the Henry Ford Museum are national treasures, and I've enjoyed visiting both over the years. The kindly old engineer who used to drive the GV train worked on the Michigan Central Railroad where my great-grandfather was a conductor, many years ago; this accorded my father the honor of riding in the engine itself to talk over the glories of the Age of Steam when he visited. But, I digress...

Today, I wept when I learned that two Asian elephants at the Elephant Sanctuary died during the last 24 hours. Bunny passed away from natural causes at 57 years of age yesterday. She had lain down in a pleasant place earlier this month, and received palliative care until her peaceful death yesterday evening.

photo of Bunny from The Elephant Sanctuary

Ned was confiscated by the USDA last fall after he was seen performing in an emaciated condition. The people at the sanctuary tried nursing him back to health; Ned would eat and gain weight, then lose it again. On Wednesday, he lay down and did not get up again. Medicine and fluids were administered to keep him comfortable. He died early this morning at the young age of 21.

photo of Ned from The Elephant Sanctuary

I hope that an autopsy will reveal why Ned failed to thrive, and that if his previous owner's treatment caused Ned's condition (instead of, say, a longstanding, hard-to-diagnose illness of some kind), the owner faces stiff penalties. Elephants truly never forget, and so many of them have suffered at the hands of human beings and bear scars both physical and psychic. That there are kind souls like the people at the Elephant Sanctuary gives me hope.

In honor of Bunny and Ned, here are two recipes. The peanut-butter cookies include the classic elephant treat: peanuts. The salad combines Bunny's favorite food (oranges) with beets, which Ned enjoyed eating.

Peanut Butter Cookies
(makes about sixty 1 1/2-inch cookies)

Preheat the oven to 375°F.

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 tsp vanilla

Sift or whisk flour and baking soda together.
Cream butter, peanut butter, and sugars together until fluffy.
Beat in egg and vanilla.
Stir in the flour mixture until blended. Shape into 1-inch balls and arrange about 2 inches apart on cookie sheets. Press flat with a fork, making a crisscross design on each cookie. Bake, 1 sheet at a time, about 10 to 12 minutes. Let stand briefly, then remove to a rack to cool.

Orange and Beet Salad
adapted from Simply Recipes (and very delicious!)

Salad:
1 bunch of beets, leaves removed - about 4 or 5 medium sized
2 large navel oranges, pared and sliced
1 bunch of arugula leaves, cleaned, and any thick stems removed
Several thin slices of red onion
1/4 cup chopped walnuts

Dressing:
In a small jar, mix the following ingredients:
1/4 cup white wine vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 teaspoon dried mustard
Salt and pepper to taste

Make salad dressing.
Cook the beets with their peel on (simmer for 30 minutes or until beets can easily be pierced through with a fork). Drain beets and let cool before peeling.
Slice or quarter beets. Place them in a small bowl and marinate them in half of the oil and vinegar dressing for 30 minutes.

Compose individual salad plates with arugula, a few slices of orange, a few beets, a few slices of red onion and a few chopped walnuts. If you want some added color, gently add a few slices of the orange to the beet juice from your bowl of beets. Let the oranges absorb the beet color and use in your salad. Sprinkle dressing over the individual salads.

Be kind to animals. We need each other.

photo of Tarra and baby bird from The Elephant Sanctuary

Save Wardenclyffe!

2009-05-14T09:39:00.005-04:00

Wardenclyffe, Nikola Tesla's laboratory at Shoreham, Long Island, is up for sale for $1.6 million.

The Tesla Science Center is trying to raise the money to buy it and turn it into a museum. At their website, you can donate via PayPal. If you'd rather take the scenic route, you can click the very fun animation below (courtesy of zia_narratora at LiveJournal) to donate. Tea says that if you donate $20, she will do a PG-rated drawing of Tesla for you (hilarious suggestions at the link -- "Tesla inventing Peeps!").

Save Tesla!

Dancer Dreams

2009-05-11T19:33:00.003-04:00

This past weekend, my husband and I attended our niece's dance recital. Seeing all the little girls in their tutus, jumping and prancing out of sync, made us laugh; they are so cute. Watching the older girls, especially the ballet and lyrical students, made me yearn to dance. My dance style developed in gothic clubs, so it's a flowing weeping-willow dance, a "sorrowful ballet," as one writer described gothic dance, a bit like the lyrical style. I love to dance, but I always wanted to study dance with a teacher, in a proper class.

When I was four, my parents agreed that I should take ballet. I was thrilled. My mother and I waited for my father to get home so that we could go to the dance shop and buy my black leotard, pink tights, and lovely pink leather slippers. I ran to the window every five minutes, wishing Daddy would hurry home so I could get my real ballet shoes. I practiced leaps and twirls, certain I was a beautiful dancer and looking forward to becoming an even more beautiful dancer.

Daddy eventually came home. In his hand was a piece of pink paper in a white envelope. Mommy's face fell, and Daddy shrugged sadly. It was 1980, and the school district had laid him off. He had no job. We didn't go to the dance shop and I never learned ballet.

It's trite and a little embarrassing to speak of "the inner child" anymore, but mine wants to dance. Today, I learned that a dance studio near my office teaches beginning ballet to grown-ups. I'll be calling this week to check the price. Even if I only take a class or two, I very much want to wear special dance clothes, and real ballet shoes, in a real studio. Wish me luck.

Crepes Kristina

2009-05-08T12:48:00.003-04:00

This is a dish that I've helped Kristina assemble for office parties. Unbelievably yummy for any time of day. The recipe is easy to double or triple, if you've got a crowd on your hands.

Crepes Kristina

For crepes:
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 eggs
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup water
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter, melted

For filling:
1 jar Nutella
4 bananas (or however much you like)

1. In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the flour and the eggs. Gradually add in the milk and water, stirring to combine. Add the salt and butter; beat until smooth.
2. Peel and slice bananas. Set aside.
3. Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each crepe. Tilt the pan with a circular motion so that the batter coats the surface evenly.
4. Cook the crepe for about 2 minutes, until the bottom is light brown. Loosen with a spatula, turn and cook the other side.
5. Spread each crepe generously with Nutella. Lay banana slices, overlapping, down the center. Roll up and serve sprinkled with powdered sugar (or not, as you like).

Skin-So-Smoothie recipe!

2009-05-05T15:38:00.003-04:00

Stephanie Tourles has posted her fabulous "Skin-So-Smoothie" recipe on her blog! Go check it out! Then make it and drink it and love it!

Chocolate Waffles

2009-05-01T12:39:00.003-04:00

Chocolate is good for what ails you. Or, more accurately, me. When I eat flavonol-rich chocolate or drink Cacao Royale, I feel endorphins surge through my blood. I feel awake, alive, and very sexy. I hope you do, too.

Chocolate Waffles

1 1/3 cups sifted cake flour (works with all-purpose flour, too)
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 ounces semisweet chocolate, melted and cooled
1/2 cup milk

Sift the flour together with baking powder and salt.
In a separate bowl, cream butter and sugar.
Beat in eggs one at a time. Stir in vanilla and chocolate.
Add the sifted ingredients alternately with the milk.
Using a measuring cup, dip batter onto hot waffle iron. Close iron and bake 4 to 5 minutes or until steaming stops.

I love these topped with vanilla ice cream and strawberries. Yes, for breakfast. Mmmmmmmmm...

We Built Excitement

2009-04-27T09:21:00.005-04:00

Having grown up on the outskirts of the great chief's beleaguered namesake city, I grieve today.

Rest in peace, Pontiac Motor Division.

Photo of 1974 GTO from Dansgarage.net

Amaretti Cookies

2009-04-24T13:18:00.002-04:00

Elan suggested this recipe, from The Smitten Kitchen. Sandwiching suggestions are from the original recipe. Let me know how these turn out -- we've got Toll House Cookies on the agenda this weekend.

1 (7-ounce) tube pure almond paste (not marzipan; 3/4 cup)
1 cup sugar
Pinch of Kosher salt
2 large egg whites at room temperature for at least 30 minutes

Preheat oven to 300°F and place racks in the upper and lower thirds of your oven. Line two large sheet pans with parchment paper.

Pulse almond paste, sugar and salt in a food processor until broken up, then add egg whites and puree until smooth. Transfer batter to pastry bag fitted with a 3/8-inch tip and pipe 3/4-inch rounds (1/3 inch high) about 1-inch apart in pans. Dip a fingertip in water and gently tamp down any peaks.

Bake, rotating and switching position of pans halfway through, until golden and puffed, 15 to 18 minutes.

[When you rotate the pan midway through baking, you'll wonder why you left so much space between the cookies. Suddenly, at 15 minutes they'll puff up and you'll be happy you left that space!]

Let cookies cool almost completely in their pans. Once cool, they’re much easier to cleanly remove from the parchment. You can make them into sandwich cookies but spreading some jam (I used raspberry) between them or ganache (3 ounces of semi-sweet chips melted with 1 to 2 tablespoons of cream, then left to thicken a bit would be enough to sandwich the whole batch).

Cookies can be kept in an airtight container at room temperature for a day or two or frozen up to one month.

Earth Day

2009-04-22T16:08:00.005-04:00

You are a part of the Earth.
Honor the Earth.
Honor your Self.

Photo of Meryt Bast by Wayne Swilley

Rice Pudding

2009-04-17T10:41:00.004-04:00

Comforting, wholesome, and delicious. We have a winner!

Rice Pudding

2 1/2 cups whole milk
1/3 cup long or short grain white rice
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 cup raisins (optional)
whipped cream

In a medium heavy-bottomed saucepan combine the milk, rice, and salt. Place saucepan over high heat and bring to a boil.
Reduce the heat to medium to medium-low and simmer until the rice is tender (about 25 minutes). Stir the milk mixture frequently using a heatproof rubber spatula or wooden spoon to prevent the rice from sticking to the bottom of the pan.
When the rice is tender, remove from heat and add the sugar, vanilla extract, and cinnamon.
Return to heat and cook until the rice pudding thickens, about 5 to 10 minutes. Remove from heat and add the raisins (if desired).
Serve warm, or refrigerate until cold.

I'll be using basmati rice in mine and substituting sliced almonds for the raisins. And topping my bowl up with plenty of unwhipped cream. And eating it for dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow. I hope you like it, too.

Growing Pains

2009-04-16T13:44:00.005-04:00

My mother says, "If you're not going forward, then you're going backwards." It's true. Still, growth can be painful. Mine is. I'm considering making my next mascara selection a waterproof formula so I don't involuntarily turn into Alice Cooper in the middle of the day. So many tears.

This is the hardest work I've ever done. I'm about three weeks in, and I want to stop, but I don't really want to stop. I know that I can't. Rather, I can't stop and be healthy. As healthy as I am now, I know that this wound will periodically fester and hurt me and, by extension, those around me.

My dreams are vivid and many and richly symbolic. My joints ache and so does my head. I bounce from hilarity to despairing tears. I don't eat very much or very often. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I think it will end. The way out is through. I keep walking and digging and swimming in the boundless unconscious: here be monsters.

All this is to say, that I don't have much to say these days, besides SGED Fridays. We'll have something yummy tomorrow.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-15T08:59:00.005-04:00

It seems like everyone is talking about this sweet-faced lady from Scotland. Grab a hanky and click the link to watch her dream of singing for a large audience come true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Natural Beauty

2009-04-13T20:38:00.009-04:00

Last week, I posted my recipe for flaxseed hair gel. It occurred to me that not everyone is into making their own cosmetics (weirdos, huh?), so here are some links to handmade and/or natural cosmetics and styling products.

Botticelli Botanicals
Minnesota-based Botticelli Botanicals invites you to select from a list of natural ingredients to create your perfect styling product. Check out the huge list of available scents. More products are coming soon.

Chagrin Valley Soap and Craft Company
Widely loved for their shampoo bars, Chagrin Valley has balms, butters, and lotion bars with which to pamper your skin and hair. They've even got all-natural soap for dogs!

Jessicurl
Founded by Jessica McGuinty and well known to regulars at Naturallycurly.com, Jessicurl products are pure, natural, and gentle. The website includes styling videos and hair accessories like the Hot Sock diffuser and microfiber towels.

Mehandi.com
This is where I bought the first henna I ever used on my skin (back in 1994, it was called Tapdancing Lizard and was a much smaller site) and where anyone can learn pretty much everything there is to know about henna. I cannot overstate the amount of information on this site. Every time I visit the site, it seems the product selection has grown: natural soaps, perfumes (including attar of henna blossoms!), balms, Indian herbs, lipsticks, and top-quality henna are just some of the wonderful things you'll find here.

Thistle Farms
A small selection of natural body care products made by the women of Magdalene, a two-year residential program in Nashville, Tennessee, for women healing from lives of prostitution and addiction. Healing women making healing products to help heal other women -- what could be more wonder-full? All profits go to support Magdalene.

Very Berry Pie

2009-04-10T14:26:00.005-04:00

This recipe comes from Sunny. When I asked her if she had a favorite dessert recipe, her reply was, "Hmmm...no...YES! Very Berry Pie! It's almost homemade!" She also said, "You can substitute any berries you like. I like blackberries and raspberries. It's not really mine, since I got it from someone else, but I love it...so there!" It looks like a fast, yummy recipe -- good for when you feel like pie but don't feel like firing up the oven. Plus, it's fruity-fresh for spring.

1-3/4 cups whipped topping, divided
1 graham cracker crust (store-bought or homemade)
1 cup fresh raspberries
1 cup fresh blueberries
1 tablespoon sugar
1 cup cold milk
1 package instant white chocolate pudding mix (I'd try it with vanilla - MB)

Directions:
Spread 1/4 cup whipped topping into the crust.
Combine berries and sugar; spoon 1 cup over topping.
In a bowl, whisk the milk and pudding mix for 2 minutes; let stand for 2 minutes or until soft-set. Spoon over berries.
Spread with remaining whipped topping.
Top with remaining berries.
Refrigerate for 45 minutes or until set.

Project Updates and Miscellany

2009-04-07T10:03:00.012-04:00

Over the weekend, I finished crocheting a dress (mine's dark green) and put a lining in a skirt I crocheted last year. My next project will be finishing a sleeve apiece on the Baby Doll Dress and the Baroque cardigan. Then, I hope to start on the Cecilia chemise and some baby clothes for my youngest sister's due-in-June daughter.

Last week, I cooked up some flaxseed hair gel in my kitchen. It's based on several herbal hair treatment recipes I've found over the years. I have attempted to make flax gel a few times before, but was never happy with the results. Basing the recipe on a good-for-hair herbal infusion seems to have done the trick. It seems to help encourage my hair's curl, which I love; I like my hair long, but the weight of it usually pulls the curl out and makes it wavy, with curls at the ends (still nice, in my opinion). It's a pretty liquid-y gel, so apply a lot of small amounts to keep it from pouring out of your hands. There's nothing in it that will build up on your hair, so don't be afraid of applying too much. If it dries crunchy, scrunch your hair gently with your hands until the crunch is gone. Here's the recipe.

Herbal Flaxseed Gel

5 cups distilled water
2 tbsp each of the following dried herbs:
nettle
cherry bark
burdock root
chamomile flowers
lavender flowers
1/2 cup (rounded) raw flax seeds
1/4 cup pure aloe vera gel (a health-food brand like Lily of the Desert, not the green sunburn-treatment kind)
smidge honey (1/4 tsp or less)
smidge jojoba oil (or other natural vegetable oil - 1/4 tsp or less)
10 drops lavender essential oil (or your favorite scent)

Bring the water to a boil in a medium saucepan (glass or stainless steel). Add the herbs and reduce heat. Simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Take off heat and cover. Let steep until cool.

Strain the liquid into a glass bowl, squeezing as much liquid as possible out of the herbs. Wash out the pan and pour the infusion back into it. Reheat to boiling and stir in the flax seeds. Reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes or so, stirring occasionally (the longer you cook it, the thicker the gel will be). Strain into a bowl. Whisk in aloe vera gel, honey, and oil. Let cool to lukewarm. Add essential oil. Pour into a clean bottle and store in the refrigerator.

Vary the recipe to suit your hair type. Some people say Epsom salts encourage curliness; I've tried adding some and it makes my hair stiff and tangle-prone, but your hair might like it fine. I've also poured some of this into a spray bottle, diluted it with more aloe vera and distilled water, and used it to refresh my curls in the morning. It works!

Looking out the window, I see it's snowing again. Everyone seems crabby about it except me.

Best wishes and good luck to Kristina, who's traveling to China today (and tomorrow, too, probably!). See you in three weeks!

Sachertorte

2009-04-03T11:47:00.005-04:00

Saturday night, my husband and I dined for the first time at a restaurant that specializes in central and eastern European cuisine. The place is charming, all tin ceiling, antique fixtures, and framed sheet music. On Saturday evenings, the restaurant features a pianist, so we were treated to Beethoven sonatas galore as we dined. At the end of our meal, I ordered a slice of Sachertorte, a recipe I have often read but never sampled. Here is a version of the famous dessert. I can't claim authenticity (the original recipe, from the Hotel Sacher in Vienna, is a closely-guarded secret); this is just one of many variations you'll find out and about in search of chocolate bliss.

From The Joy of Cooking, including the charming legend of Frau Sacher (I can't claim authenticity for the story, either).

Sachertorte

Makes one 9-inch cake

Frau Sacher, one of the great personalities of Vienna, fed the impoverished Austrian nobility in her famous restaurant long after they had ceased to pay. Today she is remembered throughout the world for her chocolate torte, for which endless recipes, all claiming authenticity, abound. We make no claims but think the following delicious. The extra egg white makes a lighter cake.

Have all ingredients at room temperature, about 70°F. Preheat the oven to 325°F. Grease and flour the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan or line with wax or parchment paper.

Grate:

6 ounces semisweet or bittersweet chocolate

Beat in a large bowl at medium-high speed until light and creamy about 3 minutes:

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter

Beat in one at a time:

6 large egg yolks

Add the grated chocolate and:

3/4 cup dry bread crumbs
1/4 cup finely ground blanched almonds
1/4 teaspoons salt

Using clean beaters, beat in a large bowl at medium-high speed until stiff but not dry:

6 or 7 egg whites
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar

Fold one-quarter of the whites into the batter, then fold in the remaining whites. Scrape the batter into the pan. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, 50 minutes to 1 hour. Let the cake cool completely in the pan on a rack. Remove the sides of the pan and slice the torte horizontally into 2 layers. Should the top be mounded, reverse the layers so the finished cake has a flat top. Spread between the layers:

1 cup apricot jam or preserves

Cover the cake with:

Bittersweet Chocolate Glaze, below

which should retain its glossy sheen. For a really Viennese effect, garnish each slice with a great gob of Schlag, or whipped cream.

Bittersweet Chocolate Glaze or Frosting

About 1 cup

A very sophisticated glaze or frosting to use on rich chocolate or nut tortes. For an even more bittersweet effect, substitute 1 ounce unsweetened chocolate for 1 ounce of the bittersweet or semisweet chocolate.

Heat in the top of a double boiler or in a microwave on medium, stirring often, just until the chocolate is melted and smooth:

6 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
1/ 3 cup water, coffee, or milk
pinch of salt

Remove from the heat. With a rubber spatula, stir in 2 or 3 pieces at a time:

6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, cut into small pieces

Continue to stir -- do not beat -- until perfectly smooth.

Optional: Stir in 1 to 2 tablespoons liqueur

For a pourable glaze, let stand at room temperature, stirring occasionally, until the mixture cools to 90°F. For frosting, let stand until spreadable. If the frosting becomes too stiff, set the pan in a larger pan of hot water and stir gently with a rubber spatula; or remelt and then cool to 90°F for use as a glaze. This keeps for up to 3 days at room temperature or up to 3 weeks refrigerated.

Finished: Lacy Sleeveless Top

2009-04-02T11:18:00.004-04:00

From a pattern by Valerie Kurita, published in the first crochet magazine I ever bought (back in 2006), I have made this pretty white top.

I used some shaping techniques learned from articles and books by the marvelous Doris Chan, and it fits really well. It will have to wait for warmer weather to be worn, but I can wait.

I have still to finish (again) the baby-doll dress designed by Amy O'Neill Houck; I am reworking the sleeves to be shorter and puffier. I really love the dress and am eager to finish it so I can wear it again.

This month, I had an unusual amount of bills to pay, with more expenses to come in the next couple of weeks, so buying the beautiful yarn I intend to use for Jennifer Hansen's Cecilia chemise (both lengths!) will have to wait a while. Right now, my money needs to go towards caring for myself; buying pretty yarn is a great way to do that, but the care I need right now is of the inner sort. I am not afraid of heavy emotional and psychological work, but I am afraid to pry this particular monster out into the light where I can work on befriending it. Or slaying it. I'm not sure which it will be.

In the meantime, I will continue to live my happy life...there is so very much to love and to savor.

Being Beautiful

2009-03-30T11:24:00.014-04:00

Though I am told that I don't really qualify as "fat" or even "chubby," I support the size-acceptance movement. I believe that it is possible to be healthy at any size, skinny, fat, or in between, and that we owe it to ourselves to love, accept, and care for our bodies. Too often, though, women are told that our bodies are wrong. Hearing a message often enough (and o, how bombarded we are with this particular message!) can make even the hardiest among us doubt herself. The question for myself was not, "Can I be beautiful?" (i.e., lose or gain weight or otherwise change my body to fit some ideal), but "May I be beautiful?"

Since the beginning of treatment for hyperthyroidism in 2005, I have gained about twenty pounds. During the fag-end of the Bad Old Days, when I had not learned that loving myself was not only OK, but of utmost necessity, I cried when I could no longer zip my size 12 jeans (my "skinny" jeans) or button up my sleek, genuine U.S. Navy pants. The emotional choppiness born of a sudden relocation under bad circumstances and stormy hormones seeking a new equilibrium made it harder to bear my weight gain. In my head, I knew it was a sign of health. In my heart, in my feelings, I cowered before the blaring, jeering voice of internalized body-hatred.

Eventually, with help from my doctor, my therapist, my mother and my friends, I realized that what I had had before, as a thinner person, wasn't anything like a real, healthy life. Still, in my saddest moments, when I forgot I didn't really hate myself anymore, I wished my sickness back so that I could be thinner. A few minutes spent skimming the diaries I had kept in Tennessee were enough to snap me out of it.

One day, in the bathroom at my mother's house, where I was living after moving back to Michigan, dressed in jeans and a bra, I found myself admiring the curve of my hip and how it flowed inwards to form my waist. I ran my hands up and down my sides, from ribs to thighs. I liked the way my body felt; it was larger, yes, but it filled my size 14 jeans and my new, larger bra beautifully. It was soft and sleek and beautifully shaped. I laid my hands gently on my now-rounder belly and closed my eyes against grateful tears. I gave myself permission to see my beauty, to marvel at it, to love it, and revel in it.

Do you have permission? What would it take for you to grant it to yourself?

No-Bake Drop Cookies

2009-03-27T08:58:00.004-04:00

My mother made these often. They never lasted long, especially once Daddy found them. He loved these. I still do, too. We just called them "drop cookies," so I was surprised while reading Mom's cookbooks, as a little girl, to see recipe after recipe for baked drop cookies. This recipe is nice for summer because it cooks on top of the stove. I don't know if these cookies are, like Big Boy restaurants, are "a Michigan thing," but I've never encountered them outside my beautiful mother state.

2 cups sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
1 stick butter or margarine
1/2 cup milk (or evaporated milk; my friend Heather's mother used it)
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 tsp vanilla
3 cups "quick oats" oatmeal

In a medium saucepan, combine sugar, cocoa, butter or margarine, and milk. Bring to a boil and cook for 2-3 minutes. Remove from heat and add peanut butter and vanilla, stirring until the mixture is no longer glossy. Stir in the oatmeal. Drop by spoonfuls (whatever size you like) onto a cookie sheet or waxed paper. Let cool until firm, and enjoy!

You might like less oatmeal, or you might like part oats and part chopped walnuts, or flaked unsweetened coconut. You could also use chunky/crunchy peanut butter.

Sometimes, when we were short of cocoa, my mother simply omitted it and we had peanut-butter fudge cookies. Mmmmmm!

Good stuff from Stephanie Tourles

2009-03-24T10:35:00.005-04:00

For the last few weeks, I have been reading Naturally Healthy Skin by Stephanie Tourles. I bought the book a number of years ago, hoping to find something to help my poor ravaged skin. Of course, I didn't know that I had Graves' disease; once I had my thyroid out, my hormone levels balanced themselves and my skin improved dramatically. Since beginning each day with a full recipe of Ms. Tourles' "Skin-So-Smoothie" recipe (I make it with unsweetened almond milk), my skin has felt softer and looks smoother than I can ever remember. My forehead is less oily, and I believe the faint vertical line on the inside of my left eyebrow has diminished. I've also tried her snack mix recipe, modifying it for what I have on hand. It's delicious. My attempt at her chewy apricot "cookie" recipe was less successful; they taste good, but they're awfully gooey, so I think I must have added too much juice.

I can't, of course, reproduce any of her recipes here, but I encourage you to visit Ms. Tourles' website and to take a look at her books at your local bookstore or library. Seriously good stuff!

Spring has come

2009-03-20T11:37:00.004-04:00

Photo by staffahouse.co.uk

Daffadowndilly

She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,
She wore her greenest gown;
She turned to the south wind
And curtsied up and down.
She turned to the sunlight
And shook her yellow head,
And whispered to her neighbor,
"Winter is dead."

A. A. Milne

Black Forest Brownies

2009-03-20T11:01:00.004-04:00

Whether you start with a family recipe or a boxed mix, brownies are always wonderful -- at least, I've never met one I didn't like. My favorite way to serve and eat brownies, especially for "occasions," is a kind of rearranged (or disarranged) Black Forest gâteau.

Black Forest Brownies

Your favorite brownie recipe
OR: a "family-size" (9"x13") box of brownie mix
1 can of cherry pie filling
1 oz. Kirschwasser
1 half-gallon vanilla ice cream
whipped cream

Pour the cherries into a small bowl and stir in the Kirschwasser. Let stand at room temperature while brownies are baking.

Mix and bake brownies in a 9"x13" pan. Cool to lukewarm. Slice the brownies into your favorite size squares.

For each serving:
Place one brownie on a dessert plate. Top with a scoop of ice cream and a generous spoonful (or however much you like) of cherries. Place another brownie on top of the ice cream and cherries, pressing it down so that it sits securely (or not, as you like!). Pour another generous spoonful of cherries over the second brownie and top with a big fluff of whipped cream.

Now dig in and enjoy!

As with all my recipes (the ones not given to me by Kristina, that is), there's a lot of room to improvise with this one. Warm the cherry-kirsch mixture before serving. Try mint-chocolate chip ice cream and substitute hot fudge for the cherries. I've made this with chocolate cake, too; I baked a 9"x13" cake, cut it into squares, and split each square into two layers before proceeding as above. Mix it up and make it your own, but most of all, enjoy it!

Prayers for the Neesons

2009-03-18T20:14:00.004-04:00

The beautiful and talented Natasha Richardson has died from her head injury. She was 45 years old.

"Liam Neeson, his sons, and the entire family are shocked and devastated by the tragic death of their beloved Natasha. They are profoundly grateful for the support, love and prayers of everyone, and ask for privacy during this very difficult time."

Please think of and pray for her family, especially her husband and her young sons.

If you bump your head, please go to the hospital. Please. Better to feel silly afterwards for having made a fuss over nothing than to take such a chance. So much can happen in so little time.

Take care of yourself; we need you.

xoxo

Portable Shade

2009-03-17T19:43:00.015-04:00

"The parasols this year look like big, beautiful flowers that have grown and blossomed at will without having a single pretty fancy restrained or pruned away. Like all of this Springs work they are characterized by a picturesque and irresponsible variety that refuses adherence to any one pattern. Any sort of parasol may he carried with the assurance that the more it differs from every other parasol the more it will he approved." -- The New York Times, May 1, 1892.

The days are growing longer, which reminds me that everyone should use sunblock. I like Neutrogena's SPF 30 for sensitive skin, but sometimes I forget to apply it or to tuck it in my purse before going out. My two failsafe measures are a large hat and a parasol, both of which are much harder to overlook and leave behind.

I have a large head covered with a lot of thick, long hair. Finding hats that fit is difficult for me, especially as I frequently wear my hair pulled or pinned up, and so I decided to make one, thereby guaranteeing a good fit. Last year, I found this pattern by Lily Chin, and I executed it in jute twine from the hardware store for a rustic look. Lily models her hat pushed back from her face, but I wear mine level across my forehead to shade my face and throat. I made two hatbands which coordinate with just about everything I wear; I swap them according to my outfit and pin them with an antique brooch. The hat draws lots of compliments, but the parasol draws stares.

On eBay, that bargain-hunter's playground, I found a Chinese paper parasol, dated about 1920. Its paper canopy was torn in several places, so I mended it with tissue paper and Elmer's glue. The patches are white, but I haven't figured out how to stain them to match the rest of the canopy without dissolving the paper. They don't show much, fortunately, so I may leave them as they are. The parasol shades me well, allowing only dim sunlight to touch my skin. I used it for most of last summer, and between it and the hat, I didn't get sunburned once. As fair as I am, that's quite a feat.

We all need some unprotected exposure to sunlight (ten to fifteen minutes a day, I have read) to help our bodies make vitamin D, a nutrient necessary for regulating the body's calcium and phosphorous levels. Sunshine feels good, and it's good for us. But baking our skin, whether in the sun or a tanning parlor, is a great way to wind up with prematurely aged skin or, at worst, skin cancer. Even if your skin is olive or dark, excessive sun exposure can cause damage, but paler people are much more susceptible.

Enjoy checking out the parasols at these links. Maybe we'll start a trend!

Darna's East Angel Harbor Hat Shoppe -- elaborate, hand-decorated parasols and hats
Designs by Victoria -- parasols, fans, and other goodies
Lace Parasols: Undercover Elegance
Luna Bazaar -- colorful paper parasols
Pamela's Parasols
Parasols at Gentleman's Emporium -- oodles of other lovely wearables and accessories, too.
Shooting Star History -- patterns and supplies for making your own parasols

Pear and Almond Tart

2009-03-13T10:01:00.004-04:00

Photo by Brian Leatart (Lea-TART?!) for Bon Appetit

I had planned to post a brownie recipe with jazz-up suggestions, but as tomorrow is Pi Day, I thought a pie recipe would be more appropriate. I asked around, and my friend Elan suggested a pear-almond tart recipe. She made this many years ago, and says it was "painfully good." This recipe is adapted from one printed in Bon Appetit, but it receives the Elan Seal of Approval. So..."bon appetit!" Sorry.

For the pears:
4 cups water
1 1/4 cups sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
3 medium-size pears (Bosc or Anjou), peeled [or use canned pears - I have it on good authority that French women do just that!]

For the crust:
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup blanched slivered almonds
1/4 teaspoon salt
9 tablespoons (1 stick plus 1 tablespoon) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 large egg yolk
1 1/4 cups all purpose flour

Almond Filling
2/3 cup blanched slivered almonds
1 tablespoon all purpose flour
7 tablespoons sugar
6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 large egg

Powdered sugar for decoration (optional)

For pears:
Bring 4 cups water, sugar, and lemon juice to boil in large saucepan over medium-high heat, stirring until sugar dissolves. Add pears. Reduce heat to medium and simmer until pears are very tender, turning occasionally, about 20 minutes. Cool pears in syrup. (Can be made 2 days ahead. Cover and refrigerate.)

For crust:
Blend powdered sugar, almonds, and salt in processor until nuts are finely ground. Add butter and blend until smooth, scraping down sides of bowl occasionally. Mix in egg yolk. Add flour. Using on/off turns, blend until dough comes together in clumps. Gather dough into ball; flatten into disk. Wrap in plastic and chill at least 3 hours. (Can be made 2 days ahead. Keep refrigerated.)

For almond filling:
Finely grind almonds and flour in processor. Mix in 7 tablespoons sugar, then butter, blending until smooth. Mix in egg. Transfer filling to medium bowl. Cover and chill at least 3 hours. (Can be made 2 days ahead. Keep chilled.)

Position rack in center of oven and preheat to 375°F. Roll out chilled dough on floured sheet of parchment paper to 12-inch round, lifting and turning dough occasionally to free from paper. Using paper as aid, turn dough into 9-inch-diameter tart pan with removable bottom; peel off paper. Seal any cracks in dough. Trim overhang to 1/2 inch. Fold overhang in, making double-thick sides. Pierce crust all over with fork. Freeze crust 10 minutes.

Line crust with buttered foil, buttered side down, then fill with dried beans or pie weights. Bake crust until sides are set, about 20 minutes. Remove foil and beans. Bake crust until sides are golden and bottom is set, pressing with back of fork if crust bubbles, about 10 minutes longer. Cool crust in pan on rack. Reduce oven temperature to 350°F.

Spread almond filling evenly in crust. Stem pears and cut each in half lengthwise; scoop out cores. Cut each half crosswise into thin slices. Gently press each pear half to fan slices but keep slices tightly overlapped. Slide spatula under pears and arrange atop filling like spokes of wheel with narrow ends in center.

Bake tart until golden and a toothpick inserted into center of filling comes out clean, about 55 minutes. Cool tart in pan on rack. Push pan bottom up, releasing tart from pan. (Can be made 8 hours ahead. Let stand at room temperature.) Cut tart into wedges; sprinkle with powdered sugar, if desired, and serve.

The Smitten Kitchen has helpful step-by-step photos for their version.

The Devouring Lady

2009-03-11T13:01:00.006-04:00

It is difficult for me to write about spirituality without feeling both naked and flaky. But, because I believe this subject is very important, especially now, I'm going to try.

My nom de plume means "beloved of Bast" in the Egyptian language. Bast is the cat-headed goddess; her name means "Devouring Lady." I do not follow the Egyptian religion, but I am drawn to Bast, and not just because I am a cat lover.

Bast is also known as "the eye of Ra," a protector and avenger as fierce and hot as the sun. She is the protector of women, especially expectant mothers, and children. She is also a protector of the home.

I imagine how she would react to a bruised wife, a bullied girlfriend, a frightened child, an ashamed and injured man. And how would she confront one who hurts the vulnerable and shatters the home's peace?

I imagine her, in cat form, comforting the hurt ones by curling up in their laps and purring soothingly. I imagine her soft paws dabbing away tears and her raspy tongue kissing hands and cheeks. I imagine peace and pure love radiating from her beautiful green eyes.

Gaze into her pupils and see yourself there. See how loved you are.

I imagine her, with a bloodcurdling yowl, flinging herself upon the abusers in a frenzy of slashing claws and sharp, shining teeth, burning them with the fire of her righteous anger, ears flattened, eyes blazing like the sun. I imagine her fierce joy in avenging the innocent.

With certain stories in the news these days, I know that some survivors of domestic abuse have had bad dreams and feelings of panic, depression, and helpless anger.

No one deserves to be called names, manipulated, controlled, robbed, deceived, forced into sex, threatened, struck or injured in any way. No one.

If you or someone you know is being hurt by someone close to her or him, know that there is help available. It can be scary to reach out, but you are strong and brave. You can get out, you can get away. You can thrive.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
http://www.ncadv.org/

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org/

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
http://www.rainn.org

The Emancipation of Artemis: Artists United to End Violence Against Women (Facebook group run by Jennifer Fields-Summer, a phenomenal photographer and a dear friend)
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=54366834389

Cassiopeia photographed by Allisonmariecat.

Soothing Salt Scrub

2009-03-09T14:11:00.006-04:00

My skin tends to get itchy in the winter, and this soothes any rashes and reveals fresh, soft skin. Don't use this if you've got cuts or scrapes; the salt will sting, and you don't want to "scrub open" healing wounds.

You'll need:
2 parts sea salt (substitute sugar if you're concerned about stinging)
1 part oil (olive, almond, jojoba, etc.)
few drops essential oil, like lavender or rose (optional - I like Aura Cacia's Rose Otto in jojoba oil)
a lidded container (I use a plastic, well-scrubbed hummus container)

Put everything in your container and stir it well with a spoon. Scoop out with your fingers and scrub your skin before bathing (standing in the tub so you don't get oily salt everywhere!) or in the shower. Be careful not to slip! Rinse off, dry off, and apply moisturizer as usual.

Okay, I admit: this does sting my (occasional) eczema, but it's a good kind of sting; I know that the salt is helping the rash to heal. I don't scrub irritated skin, but let the salt mixture sit on it for a minute or so. I'm no dermatologist, but I think it really helps.

Waking Up: Luscious Tiramisù

2009-03-06T09:35:00.006-05:00

For most of my last decade, I was a bony, trembling, emotionally volatile wreck. My heart was a jackhammer. My skin was a minefield. My mind was a vortex of self-hatred, self-destruction, and rage. After a night of chest pains so crushing and breathtaking that I thought I was dying, one blood test gave me my answer. I was severely hyperthyroid: the butterfly-shaped gland in my throat was pumping out twice the thyroid hormone my body needed, in defiance of attempts by my deranged immune system to shut it down. An interesting test involving radioactive material confirmed that I had Graves' disease.

What does all this have to do with tiramisù? Read on.

Coincidentally (or not?), on Wednesday I attended a lecture on weight discrimination, given by a (petite and slender) professor at my university. It was fun to hear her debunk the "obesity epidemic," and we the audience laughed as she amply illustrated its absurdity. Afterwards, I spoke with her for a few minutes about my experience with weight fluctuation and others' reactions to it (sick and thin=many "thin" compliments from women, not so many from men; healthy and heavier=fewer compliments from women, many more from men), she told me that she had Graves' disease, too. We shared our stories of misdiagnoses and recovery and laughed a bit together.

Three years ago today, I underwent a total thyroidectomy, putting my disease in remission and waking me from my long and dreadful nightmare. Because of the profound changes that took place afterwards in all aspects of myself and my life, this is a kind of second birthday for me. Tonight, my husband and I will celebrate with Chicago pizza, followed by tiramisù, my very favorite dessert. Each bite is another nail in the coffin of the Bad Old Days when I hated myself and, especially, hated and punished my body.

Rather than present a single tiramisù recipe, I am giving several links to versions of this truly divine and sexy concoction. Eat it, and see if you don't feel awake, alive, and happily sated.

Heavenly Tiramisù - many, many recipes
Finding La Dolce Vita - nicely illustrated
Cooking for Engineers - illustrations galore, plus a fun task chart (the "engineering" part, I guess)

Another link change, reconsidered

2009-03-05T08:49:00.006-05:00

Debutante Clothing has a link to a blog in which a liposuction procedure is described. Because the brief article is a description and not an endorsement (indeed, it ends with a question about health risks), I am leaving Debutante Clothing in the Beauty-Full Blogs section. I like DC very much, as it's full of wonderful clothing and interesting information about vintage styles and labels, and I don't want to delete their link because of a single informational link. Again, you can't see the article unless you follow a link at DC, and if you blink while scrolling, you'll miss it. I only mention it because some readers may have followed the link, and be wondering why I would link to a blog that links to a potentially triggering article.

Yes, I do have a gimlet eye, but I want this blog to be a safe place, a joy-full place. I'm trying to create a website full of things I wish I had seen, heard, and dwelt upon when I was struggling with loving myself. I don't want anyone to find any reason here to feel bad about herself.

Door tag available for $1 from bodypositive.com.

Prayers for Mariska

2009-03-04T21:19:00.003-05:00

I have just learned that Mariska Hargitay went back to the hospital this morning. She is a great inspiration to me, and to many others. Her Joyful Heart Foundation helps survivors of sexual violence. She radiates love and joy.

I wish all good things for her, especially a comfortable, speedy recovery.

Good Morning! fruit drink

2009-03-02T09:28:00.006-05:00

Sunshine in a glass!

2 cups orange juice
1 cup frozen pineapple chunks
1 grapefruit, peeled, seeded, and cut into chunks
1 frozen banana, cut into chunks (I cut up ripe bananas and freeze them in baggies, one banana per baggie)
thumb-size chunk of gingerroot, peeled and sliced
dash lemon juice
dash sea salt

Put all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth (2 minutes or so). Makes one big breakfast. Sparkly, tart, and loaded with beautiful nutrients to make you feel wonderful. See, hedonism can be healthy!

Experiment with your favorite fruits. For example, substitute fresh or frozen mango chunks for the grapefruit if you'd like a sweeter drink. Omit the ginger if it's too spicy for your taste. Add a few ice cubes for a frosty, slushier texture. Improvise! Do what you like best!

Love your body, and it will love you right back. I promise.

Key Lime Pie

2009-02-27T09:04:00.003-05:00

It seems that a lot of folks are depressed this time of year. Walking around my city, I see long faces, furrowed brows, and stiff upper lips. Maybe they feel like winter will never end. If you're one of these seasonally-affected souls, maybe something cool, tart, and tropical will raise your spirits. I present to you my recipe for Key lime pie, one of my favorite desserts (and breakfasts!) and beloved by those who have sampled it. The recipe makes two luscious, rich-rich pies. Eat them up within a few days, or share with friends.

Key lime pie

1 ½ cups Key lime juice (I like Nellie and Joe's brand)
3 cans sweetened condensed milk
2 eggs
2 crumb crusts (purchased or homemade)
Whipped cream (optional)

Preheat oven to 350.

Pour milk, juice, and eggs into a large bowl and beat at medium speed until blended, then at medium-high speed for a good 7-10 minutes. This keeps the pie from seeping and sogginess under refrigeration.

Pour mixture into pie crusts, dividing evenly.

Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes (10-12 minutes if you’re only making one pie). Cool on wire rack until room temperature, then refrigerate until cold. Serve topped with whipped cream if you like.

If making your own crust, try substituting ground almonds for part of the crumbs. Mmmmmm!

Luxurious Rest

2009-02-24T21:13:00.006-05:00

I rest guiltlessly, luxuriously.

I allow my body all the time it needs to heal itself.

I love my body.

I am beautiful.

Top to bottom: Poly, Utah, Geronimo and Mirando, and Cassiopeia.

Chocolate Chili Cookies

2009-02-20T09:19:00.005-05:00

Feeling robust? I know I am, and not just because it's Sexy Girls Eat Dessert Friday. I seem to have turned the corner with my healing, and I feel really good, even though my tummy is still a bit sore and the incisions are itchy. Nourishing myself with good food and nurturing myself with long, guiltless naps have made me almost well again. I am amazed at and thankful for my body's power to heal itself.

With snow predicted for tomorrow, I think it's time to make another batch of these magical cookies. At Christmas, these were a big hit with the men in my family; my uncles snapped them up so quickly, I was lucky to have one for myself. Another smash hit from Kristina!

Kristina says:
"This recipe is from Maida Heatter’s Book of Great Chocolate Desserts. I tried to give the cookbook away to a friend who loves to make chocolate desserts but he forgot to take it home. Then I discovered the Chocolate Chili recipe, and this book’s not going anywhere now. I was in search of the perfect chocolate/lime combination in a dessert, and by adding lime juice to the cookies, I think I’ve found it."

1 1/2 cups flour
3/4 cup cocoa powder
1/4 tsp salt
Pinch ground black pepper
Pinch cayenne pepper
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1 1/2 sticks sweet butter
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1 cup sugar
1 egg
Lime juice

Sift together the flour, cocoa, salt, pepper, cayenne, and cinnamon and set aside. In the large bowl of an electric mixer cream the butter. Add the vanilla and sugar and beat to mix thoroughly. Beat in the egg, then on low speed gradually add the sifted dry ingredients, scraping the bowl with a rubber spatula and beating only until mixed.

Shape the dough into a cylinder about 10 inches long and about 2 inches in diameter.

Wrap the dough in wax paper and place it in the freezer until firm. Or it may be kept frozen.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. With a sharp, heavy knife cut it into slices 1/4 inch thick.

Bake 10 or 11 minutes, reversing the sheets once during baking. Watch them carefully to make sure they do not burn.

Let them cool for a few seconds on the sheets until firm enough to be moved. Then, with a wide spatula, transfer cookies to racks to cool.

Brush the top of each cookie with lime juice.

Translation: Irish crochet

2009-02-17T11:49:00.013-05:00

Since I was a little girl poring over my mother's copy of The Complete Guide to Needlework, I have loved the crisp, intricate, organic style of Irish crochet. About a year ago, Kristina showed me the Antique Pattern Library, making very old patterns available to me (and to all) in the form of gigantic PDF files. After excitedly printing two DMC Irish crochet books (circa 1900) and making a special trip to Busy Hands yarn shop for a #14 steel hook, I was all ready to plunge in and create beautiful lace of incredible delicacy. Except for the abbreviations. What the heck is a "d," anyway? Is it the same as a "plain?"

Turns out, yes, a "d" and a "plain" are old names for what American crocheteuses know as "single crochet" or "sc." Apparently, in the Old Days, no standards existed for pattern abbreviations. Experimentation and careful comparison of my work with the photos in the DMC books showed that I knew much more than I had imagined upon my first reading of the patterns.

The photos in this post are themselves experiments, depicting the results of my Irish crochet experiments; I've not used my computer's on-board camera much. I yearn to fill this blog with beautiful photographs, but I fear that time is not yet come. I will, however, offer you my translations of antique Irish crochet motif patterns. You can read them in their original form at the Antique Pattern Library's site. The large motif (called "second wheel" in the book) is from DMC Library Irish Crochet Lace by Mme. Dillmont (c. 1900), and the leaves are from Priscilla Irish Crochet Book No. 2 by Eliza Taylor (published in 1912). The books are listed alphabetically by author last name.

Dixie Falls designed the mitts (free registration is required to get the pattern); I made adaptations to suit my chosen yarn and my own hand size. I arranged the motifs on a scarf I crocheted from my favorite silk/bamboo yarn; it's a plain, long rectangle executed in V-stitch, with 7 rows of hdc at each end.

The roses are among the easiest Irish crochet motifs to execute, and you can find many versions of them everywhere. I kept it simple and used Ms. Fall's instructions. The smallest roses on the scarf are made from the same pattern, but I only completed two rounds. I also omitted the last round from the larger roses; as written, the pattern yielded roses I thought were overwhelmingly large on my wrists. I substituted the antique leaf pattern for that given in the mitts pattern (they come out looking about the same, in case you prefer Ms. Fall's more complete instructions).

The crocheted balls were a popular embellishment in the Victorian and Edwardian eras, and their instructions are included in the mitts pattern. I made ten of them to use as fringe for the scarf, and their weight keeps the scarf nicely in place. I decorated each motif with glass seed beads, and capped the end of each ball with a larger silver bead.

"Second Wheel" (topmost white flower on scarf) is a two-layer motif.
Main layer:
Wrap cord three times around your finger to form a type of magic adjustable ring. Leave a long tail (12") to use as a foundation cord while working the rest of the motif.
Round 1: Work 20 sc over cord, pulling the free end occasionally to nudge the stitches tightly together; sl st to 1st sc to close; ch 1.
Round 2: Pull up "tail" of adjustable ring and lay it over work. 1 sc in 1st sc and over cord; * 14 sc over cord only; sk 3 sc; sc in next sc (scallop made). Repeat from * 4 times, pulling cord to nudge stitches together and to help each loop lie flat. End with 1 sc in last sc of ring, sc in 1st 2 sc of petal, ch 1 (5 scallops).
Round 3: Holding foundation cord over work and working in back loop of each sc, * sc in next 2 sc, picot (ch 3, sl st in 1st ch), 3 sc, picot, 3 sc, picot, 2 sc. Sk next 5 sc. Repeat from * 4 times. Fasten off.

Top layer: Begin as for main motif, wrapping cord three times around your finger to form an adjustable ring.
Round 1: * 4 sc in ring, picot. Repeat from * 5 times. Fasten off.

Position top layer atop main layer, matching center holes. Sew them together with matching thread.

Leaves:
Ch 10. 1 sc in 2nd ch from hook, sc in each of next 8 ch, ch 3. Continuing down other side of foundation ch, sc in each of next 7 sts, * ch 3, turn. Sc in each of next 7 sc, sc in 3-ch sp, ch 3, sc in 3-ch sp, sc in each of next 6 sts. *
Repeat between * *, working back and forth, until you have 6 "ribs" on each side (or until the leaf is the size you prefer). I chose to fasten off with a sl st in the 3-ch sp, in order that the leaf would be even, but you can fasten off wherever you think it will look best.

My materials:
Mitts, scarf ends, ball fringe, and leaves: 3 skeins Berroco Seduce in Verdigris; small amount of fiberfill to stuff crocheted balls
Scarf: 3 balls Patons Silk Bamboo in Sea
Small roses: 1 ball Patons Silk Bamboo in Almond (very small amount; I used leftover yarn from another project)
"Second wheel" and large roses: 1 ball J.P. Coats Royale Silkessence Microfiber in Natural (#2262)
Silver or silver-lined glass beads in two sizes (about five hundred seed beads and a larger silver bead for each crocheted ball)
Steel crochet hook, size 7 (for mitts, "second wheel," large roses, leaves, scarf ends, and crocheted balls)
Aluminum crochet hooks, sizes G (scarf body) and B (small roses)
Tapestry needle
Beading needle
Sewing needle and thread to match yarns

Feel-Better Cherry Crunch with Cream

2009-02-13T15:28:00.005-05:00

Even though I've got a sore tummy, it's still Sexy Girls Eat Dessert Friday, and by golly, I'm eating dessert! We threw this together today in the kitchen; I'm still not up to standing up very much. It's sweet and full of good nutritional stuff, like vitamin E, B-complex vitamins, fiber, and vitamin A -- all good things to eat while recovering from intestinal surgery. It's also divinely delicious. Eat and feel good!

Double the amounts for two servings; my husband doesn't have much of a sweet tooth, so he fixed this just for me, with my help. Yes, I am very lucky.

1 cup frozen dark sweet cherries (unsweetened)
1/2 cup shredded wheat cereal (we used Frosted Mini-Wheats; granola would be good, too)
1/4 cup sunflower seeds
whipped cream (as much as you'd like)

Thaw cherries in the microwave; we let them get pretty warm so they'd be plenty juicy.
Pour cereal in a bowl and top with cherries. Sprinkle sunflower seeds over everything. You can stir it up before topping it with whipped cream, but we put the whipped cream on and then stirred it. Mmmmmmm!

A link change

2009-02-10T23:41:00.003-05:00

I have deleted the link to the Organic Beauty Expert blog because of its promotion of a lip gloss containing an alleged appetite suppressant. I thought you should know the reason why the link is gone. I am very disappointed in the OBE blog, and am eager to find a wholesome beauty site that does not promote body hatred. If anyone knows of one, please drop me a line. Thank you.

Belated update

2009-02-10T11:26:00.002-05:00

I had no recipes or other fun things to post yesterday because I was in the hospital. On Sunday, my dear husband took me to the emergency room because I was in great pain -- really terrible abdominal pain. Later that day, we learned I had appendicitis, and I had surgery on Sunday night. After the surgery, I was placed in a room decorated with a charming Victorian painting of Little Bo-Peep; at least, it depicted a round-cheeked girl resting on a knoll with a beribboned crook in her hand and a sweet lamb beside her. I wish I could find the image to show all of you, because it really is sweet.

I have just returned from the hospital, and though the pain medication is working well, sitting up still hurts a bit, so I fear my updates will be irregular for the next couple of weeks. Instead, I intend to rest and allow my beloved to pamper me a bit...okay, more than a bit. I'm looking at the flowers brought to me last night by two friends. Even with unforeseen problems like emergency appendectomies, life is very sweet.

Queen Mother Cake a la Kristina

2009-02-06T09:51:00.013-05:00

It's Sexy Girls Eat Dessert Friday, and this is one of my favorites!

Kristina does it again with her adaptation of Maida Heatter's classic Queen Mother Cake. I feel sure that were you to look up "decadence" in the dictionary, you'd find this recipe. It's an ultrarich chocolate torte, and with Maida's thorough instructions and Kristina's notes (in italics), you can't make a mistake. I suggest reading it through once or twice before plunging in, just to be sure you have everything you need. Try adding your own "optionals" at the end. Most of all, savor the richness. Mmmmmmmm!

Queen Mother Cake

6 ounces (scant 1 1/2 cups) blanched or unblanched almonds (too much trouble, just buy almond meal)
6 ounces semisweet chocolate, cut into small pieces
3/4 cup granulated sugar
6 ounces (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter
6 eggs, separated
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon lemon juice

First toast the almonds in a single layer in a shallow pan in a 350 degree oven for 12 to 15 minutes, shaking the pan a few times, until the almonds are lightly colored and have a delicious smell of toasted almonds when you open the oven door. Set aside to cool.

You know I love all the directions that Maida gives; She makes it mostly foolproof, but this is too much work for me. I just buy almond meal and use about 1 ½ cups. It’s worked so far with no complaints.

Adjust a rack one-third up in the oven and preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Butter the bottom and sides of a 9 x 3-inch springform pan and line the bottom with a round of baking pan liner paper cut to fit. Butter the paper. Dust the pan all over with fine dry, bread crumbs, invert over paper, and tap lightly to shake out excess. Set the prepared pan aside.

I don’t have bread crumbs and flouring the pan worked fine. Don’t skip the baking liner because you’ll die trying to get the cake out the pan without it. With the liner it just slides out.

Place the chocolate in the top of a small double boiler over warm water on moderate heat. Cover until partially melted, then uncover and stir until just melted and smooth. Remove the top of the double boiler and set it aside until tepid or room temperature.

Microwaves work wonderfully for melting chocolate. Just do it on a low power setting and make sure you pay attention and stir occasionally.

Place the almonds and 1/4 cup of the sugar (reserve remaining 1/2 cup sugar) in a food processor fitted with a metal chopping blade. Process very well until the nuts are fine and powdery. Stop the machine once or twice, scrape down the sides, and continue to process. Process for at least a full minute. I have recently realized that the finer the nuts are, the better the cake will be. Set aside the ground nuts.

In the large bowl of an electric mixer beat the butter until soft. Add 1/4 cup of the sugar (reserve the remaining 1/4 cup sugar) and beat to mix. Add the egg yolks one at a time, beating and scraping the sides of the bowl as necessary until smooth. On low speed add the chocolate and beat until mixed. Then add the processed almonds and beat, scraping the bowl, until incorporated.

Now the whites should be beaten in the large bowl of the mixer. If you don't have an additional large bowl for the mixer, transfer the chocolate mixture to any other large bowl. Wash the bowl and the beaters.

In the large bowl of the mixer, with clean beaters, beat the egg whites with the salt and lemon juice, starting on low speed and increasing it gradually. When the whites barely hold a soft shape, reduce the speed a bit and gradually add the remaining 1/4 cup sugar. Then, on high speed, continue to beat until the whites hold a straight point when the beaters are slowly raised. Do not overbeat.

Getting the eggs separated without any stray yolk in the whites is critical. I was lazy one time and tried to beat whites with a dab of yellow and the whites stayed soupy and wouldn’t hold a peak. The cake still tasted like chocolate but it was much denser.

Stir a large spoonful of the whites into the chocolate mixture to soften it a bit. Then, in three additions, fold in the remaining whites. Do not fold thoroughly until the last addition and do not handle any more than necessary.

Turn the mixture into the prepared pan. Rotate the pan a bit briskly from left to right in order to level the batter.

Bake for 20 minutes at 375 degrees and then reduce the temperature to 350 degrees and continue to bake for an additional 50 minutes (total baking time is 1 hour and 10 minutes). Do not overbake; the cake should remain soft and moist in the center. (The top might crack a bit -- it's okay.)

It must be my oven runs hot, but I’ve never baked it for even an hour. The cake always looks done when I check it early. I’ve never seen the top looking soft and moist so maybe my cakes have always been over cooked.

The following direction was in the original recipe, and although I do not understand why, I always do it. Wet and slightly wring out a folded towel and place it on a smooth surface. Remove the cake pan from the oven and place it on the wet towel. Let stand until tepid, 50 to 60 minutes.

Sounds crazy, but I am convinced that using the wet towel does something important. If anything, it makes a lovely sizzling sound when you put the hot cake pan on it.

Release and remove the sides of the pan (do not cut around the sides with a knife--it will make the rim of the cake messy). Now let the cake stand until it is completely cool, or longer if you wish.

The cake will sink a little in the middle; the sides will be a little higher. Use a long, thin, sharp knife and cut the top level. Brush away loose crumbs.

Place a rack or a small board over the cake and carefully invert. Remove the bottom of the pan and the paper lining. The cake is now upside down; this is the way it will be iced. Place four strips of baking pan-liner paper (each about 3 x 12 inches) around the edges of a cake plate. With a large, wide spatula carefully transfer the cake to the plate; check to be sure that the cake is touching the papers all round (in order to keep the icing off the plate when you ice the cake).

If you have a cake-decorating turntable or a lazy Susan, place the cake plate on it.

Icing
1/2 cup whipping cream
2 teaspoons powdered (not granular) instant espresso or coffee (recommended: Medaglia D'Oro instant espresso)

Ha, whatever. Espresso vs. Bailey's Caramel. Bailey's wins hands down. I use about 1/4 to 1/3 cup

8 ounces semisweet chocolate, cut into small pieces
Scald the cream in a 5- to 6-cup saucepan over moderate heat until it begins to form small bubbles around the edges or a thin skin on top. Add the dry espresso or coffee and whisk to dissolve. Add the chocolate and stir occasionally over heat for 1 minute. Then remove the pan from the heat and whisk or stir until the chocolate is all melted and the mixture is smooth.

Don’t eat it all before you frost the cake!

Let the icing stand at room temperature, stirring occasionally, for about 15 minutes or a little longer until the icing barely begins to thicken.
Then, stir it to mix, and pour it slowly over the top of the cake, pouring it onto the middle. Use a long, narrow metal spatula to smooth the top and spread the icing so that a little of it runs down the sides (not too much--the icing on the sides should be a much thinner layer than on the top). With a small, narrow metal spatula, smooth the sides.
Remove the strips of paper by pulling each one out toward a narrow end.

Do NOT carry the iced cake on a flat plate and tip it towards yourself and it slides into your shirt right at chest level unless of course you have a special someone handy. This caused a bit of marital tension at the last party to which I took the cake.

Optional:
Chocolate curls or chocolate shavings
Whipped cream
Fresh raspberries

Decorate the cake or individual portions with optional chocolate curls or chocolate shavings (try chocolate shavings formed with a vegetable parer and made with milk chocolate). Place a mound of optional whipped cream (lightly sweetened with confectioner’s sugar and lightly flavored with vanilla extract) on one side of each portion on individual dessert plates, and a few optional raspberries on the other side of each portion.

Honey Almond Scrub

2009-02-04T10:29:00.004-05:00

Honey Almond Scrub

1/4 cup almonds (or 1/4 cup purchased ground almonds)
1/4 cup honey, or enough to make a spreadable paste

Grind the almonds very fine in a coffee grinder or food processor. Place in a bowl and stir in the honey until you have a goopy paste. This will keep for about a week, covered, in the refrigerator.

To use, dampen your face with warm water, scoop out about two fingertips' worth (about 2 tsp.), emulsify in your palms, and gently scrub your face. Remove with a damp facecloth, rinse with warm water, and follow with your usual toner and moisturizer.

Also try this with ground oatmeal -- great for allover use to alleviate itchy, dry, wintertime skin.

Ginger Lemon Tea

2009-02-02T08:17:00.008-05:00

I am home sick today with a very stuffy head and the dizziness and headache that accompany such a misfortune. At present, I am sipping on a cup of hot ginger tea, adapted from a favorite drink made by the good people at Espresso Royale. I'm not able to stay on long today, so I'll make this brief: here's the recipe.

Ginger Lemon Tea (four 12 oz cups)

2 cups lemon juice
4 cups water
3" piece of gingerroot, peeled
honey to taste

1. Slice the gingerroot thinly. Pour lemon juice and water into a saucepan and add the gingerroot.
2. Heat to boiling and simmer for 10 minutes.
3. Remove from heat, strain, and stir in the honey.
4. Sip while hot.

This makes a very tart, spicy tea. Add more gingerroot if you like -- spicy! Or use less lemon juice and add more honey if you'd like a more mellow, sweet brew. This is loaded with vitamin C, and breathing deeply of the vapors as you sip helps open up the sinuses. Enjoy!

Chocolate Chip Scones - because sexy girls eat dessert!

2009-01-30T11:21:00.010-05:00

It's "Sexy Girls Eat Dessert" Friday! Look forward to something sweet at the end of the workweek!

My friend Kristina brings these to the office sometimes, so I can vouch for the deliciousness of this recipe -- excellent with tea and berries, and great on their own, too. Kristina says the recipe was designed to be served as strawberry shortcake. Try it, and see what you think!

Chocolate Chip Scones

Ingredients:
3 ½ cups flour
1/3 cup sugar
4 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt
¾ cup cold butter
2 cups chocolate chips
1 ½ cups buttermilk

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Mix together the flour, sugar, and dry ingredients. Cut the butter into the flour mixture with a pastry cutter or fork until it is well worked in and crumbly. Add the chocolate chips. Stir in the buttermilk and/or knead the dough until it sticks together in a loose ball.

Roll out to 1/2 inch thick and cut into scone portions. Bake on a greased cookie sheet for 12-14 minutes or until the tops begin to turn golden.

Wise words from a wonder-full, beauty-full woman

2009-01-29T08:28:00.002-05:00

"I needed to learn to dive headfirst into healing, to get really good at resting—and that doing nothing can be a profound endeavor. I resolve, for this New Year, to be more mindful and aware—to listen more to the messages from my body and my heart. And to become a champion of rest."

Mariska Hargitay, on her blog.

Hugo's Cuban Bowl

2009-01-28T10:15:00.001-05:00

Inspired by a delicious meal I had while honeymooning in Tampa, Florida, this dish captures the flavors of Cuban cuisine. Hugo's Spanish Restaurant is famous for their Cuban sandwiches, made on scrumptious Cuban bread. I concocted this dish to satisfy my craving for Hugo's beans and rice, which I like to eat with a side of plantanos. It's super-simple, and you can use canned black beans to make it even simpler, or add yellow rice to jazz it up more!

Makes one generous serving (= standard soup/cereal bowl)

1 1/2 cup black beans (rinsed, sorted, and soaked)
OR: 1 can black beans (there's about 1 3/4 cup in a can, but no big deal)
1 clove garlic, or to taste
1 oz. Monterey Jack, Colby Jack, or Colby cheese (shredded)
1 avocado (halved, pitted and peeled)
1 banana (sliced)
1/2 tbsp. butter
lime juice
salt

Extras!
1/4 cup minced onion or scallions
red pepper flakes or your favorite hot sauce
red wine vinegar
sour cream

1a. If preparing your beans from scratch, follow the cooking directions on the bag, cooking the beans until tender. Drain and put them in a small saucepan over medium heat.
1b. If you're using canned beans, drain them and put them in a small saucepan over low-medium heat.
2. Use a garlic press to press the clove of garlic into the beans, stirring well. Or you can mince the garlic up and mix it in. Heat the beans and garlic together, stirring occasionally, until beans are hot (about 10 minutes).
3. While the beans are cooking, melt the butter in a small skillet over medium-low heat. Place the banana slices in the butter, flat sides down. Turn them after about 3 minutes and cook the other sides.
4. When the beans are done, pour them into a bowl. Top with the cheese. Slice the avocado, pile it at one side of the bowl, and sprinkle it with lime juice and salt. Pile the banana slices at the other side of the bowl. Dress it up with the "Extras!" and/or your favorite Spanish condiments. Toast some Cuban bread, butter it lightly (or not), and enjoy with the beans.

I like this with less cheese, garnished with red wine vinegar and occasional dollops of hot sauce (Sriracha -- known as "chicken sauce" at our house -- is my very favorite). If you don't have Cuban bread (it's hard to find), your favorite French or crusty sourdough bread will be great. Add! Omit! Improvise! Just don't forget the ice-cold limeade and beer!

When in Tampa, visit:
Hugo's Spanish Restaurant
931 S Howard Ave
Tampa, FL 33606-2418

Spicy Hot Cocoa

2009-01-26T14:44:00.003-05:00

Makes one 12 oz. mugful.

1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa*
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
dash salt
dash cayenne
dash black pepper
very hot water
whipped cream (if desired)

Mix all the dry ingredients in a large mug. Pour in enough hot water to fill the mug halfway. Stir thoroughly before topping up the mug with more hot water. Add the vanilla and stir. Top with whipped cream and enjoy!

*To get maximum flavonoids (the antioxidants found in cacao), avoid Dutch-process cocoa. Flavonoids are good for your skin, as this study shows. Woo hoo!

This is how I make it. You might like more sugar (or a sugar substitute, if you must) or less spice, or you might like to substitute hot milk for the water (try almond milk for a thicker drink -- top notch!). Or you might like to cook it all together in a saucepan (just remember to add the vanilla extract after you've taken it off the heat). Improvise! That's what makes me happy -- you never know what wonder-full thing you'll discover.

A blog exploring pleasure: food, crafts, beauty.

2009-01-26T12:28:00.001-05:00

Coming soon!